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18 June 2009
Tonight, as I sit alone (but for a particularly snuggly cat) in our wonderfully cool, peaceful basement, I yearn.

I yearn to be living somewhere near here (or at the very least, on an extended visit):

I yearn to have a body like this:

Or like this:

And in the case of the latter, for one of these (I already have a blue, so I'd like a pink, please):

But since I can't have any of those, I will settle for one (or 12) of these:

VaNIElla Squared cupcakes from The Sweet Tooth Fairy Bakeshop.

Funny how eating them fulfills one of my yearnings, but completely nullifies the other.

I've got a bad case of the gloomies...

11 June 2009
I'm having one of those days where I just don't want to do anything. Sparrow and I have been in our jammies all day (but we're both bathed and clean, thank you.) It's awfully cold outside for June, and even though I am loving this weather it does make it hard to want to get moving.

Mostly today I just feel lonely. My best friend is in Colorado on a family reunion, and my grandma (who I talk with on a daily basis) is gone to Europe for a month. I miss her a lot, and she's only been away for 2 days. Sigh.

How do you deal with the gloomies? What makes you feel better? How do you get motivated to get off the couch/out of bed/into the world?

Background: Kestrel

10 June 2009

Hawk and Sparrow, March 2008 (near Sparrow's Real due date).

In December 2008, Hawk and I started to feel like it was time to think about adding another wee birdie to our nest. As I've alluded to, my pregnancy with Sparrow was not the easiest thing in the world. I threw up constantly, (including to the point where I had to be in the hospital for my 21st birthday - bummer!) and my ear drum ruptured and I had a double ear infection because of the pressure from vomiting. To this day I maintain that an ear infection is more painful than labor.

In my 7th month of pregnancy, my blood pressure started rising. I had told my doctor that I was at risk to develop preeclampsia because of family history, but he ignored me. Silly doctor. Early one Sunday morning, I woke up with an excruciating headache and a blind spot in my right eye. A trip to the emergency room showed that my blood pressure had risen to 220/140, very very dangerous grounds. At 33 weeks gestation, my doctor induced labor. I labored all day but finally at 9 p.m. went in for an emergency C-section. They couldn't get the needle into my spine to do an epidural, so they had to completely put me under. After Sparrow was born, he was whisked away to a NICU 30 minutes from my hospital. I didn't get to see him until he was 3 days old.

So needless to say, Hawk and I were both nervous about having another baby. We went to see a high risk OBGYN to talk about a second pregnancy, and she recommended that I have my kidneys screened and see a cardiologist, since my blood pressure is still quite high (though controlled on medication.)

After a few months of testing, it was discovered that my pregnancy left me with a hole in my heart and a scar on my retina. If my blood pressure were to spike again, I could go blind and/or die. Neither of these are thriller options, so we sought a second opinion. A very prominent doctor here in the Salt Lake valley told me that were I to get pregnant again, I had a 70% chance of dying.

That's too much. So at the end of March, I had the Essure procedure done. Metal coils were implanted in my fallopian tubes. Scar tissue will form around the coils and leave me sterile. I go in for my follow-up appointment to make sure the procedure worked at the end of this month.

It's been a hard year. Very hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never have another child. Hard to think of Sparrow being an Only. I recognize that I am still grieving for the children I will never have. And often I feel like a failure as a parent, because I can't provide a sibling for Sparrow. (For personal reasons, adoption is not possible for our family.)

Sometimes it's a relief though. When Sparrow is ornery and teething and angry, and I'm tired and just want a nap I think of how grateful I am that I never have to go through this again! I never have to work with bottles, breast pumps, formula ever again!

And so that's a little bit about my background. It's been a crazy year, and while I think I will always grieve a little in my soul for the little girl or boy that is missing in our family, at least I have my Sparrow to snuggle with.

When he feels like it, anyway.

Menu Plan Monday

08 June 2009
Hawk and I are tired of eating out! I've gained almost 10 lbs this week from all the junk we've been eating and I'm looking forward to getting us eating decent food.

I'm trying to keep our meals relatively simple, but to be honest, meal planning is not my strong suit. I have a hard time accounting for leftovers, getting all the ingredients written down on the grocery list, and mustering up the energy to cook after a long day spent chasing Sparrow! I also have trouble making breakfast and lunch. For me, I could either go without both meals or go out to eat both. I don't want to teach those habits to Sparrow, though, so this week I made up a list with all 3 meals and snacks. We'll see if that helps!

B: Waffles
L: Black bean salad
D: Sandwich picnic at the park. Monday night is free outdoor concert night in our town.

B: Green smoothies
L: Chicken salad
D: Grilled salmon & veggies

B: Oatmeal
L: Black bean salad leftovers
D: Spinach and chicken quesadillas with refried beans

B: Green smoothies
L: Chicken salad
D: Cucumber soup (chilled) and maybe pasta salad

B: Cream of Wheat
L: Egg salad pitas
D: Taco salad

I only have dinner for Saturday since we'll likely be out and about during the day. We're having hot dogs (all beef for meat eaters and tofu for my vegetarian friend) and Caribbean Sweet Potato salad, mmmm!!

B: Waffles
L: Sandwiches
D: Shrimp lo mein

Snacks will consist of yogurt, bananas, almonds, grapes, carrots and cherries. I only just discovered cherries a few weeks ago. I have Oral Allergy Syndrome and thus finding fruit or nut snacks is difficult for me. More on this in an upcoming post.

This week we'll be starting on our new routine. The three of us will wake up around 7:30 and take Hawk to work at 8. Then Sparrow and I will go to the gym (he loves the day care) and I will exercise for 1-2 hours. Then home, or we might go to the library or the park depending on how we feel. I don't get up early very well, so it might be a struggle but I know it will be worth it.

At least we're almost all the way unpacked. It's a record for us to be unpacked in less than 2 weeks! Tomorrow will be spent putting up pictures and doing the finishing touches on putting things away. I love our new home. Now if only I could figure out where to put the third bookshelf...

Drowning in boxes

03 June 2009
We're slowly but surely moving into our new townhome. I love it! Pictures are coming soon, but for now, how do you eat healthy when you're in the middle of moving? It seems to me like cooking a nice meal would be just another stress right now so we've been hitting lots of fast food restaurants. Expensive, and not great for us either.

I hope to be unpacked completely by next Wednesday. Then I can more fully enjoy the wonderfulness of our new home!