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Struggles

07 August 2009
It seems that 2009 has been a year of grief for me. In March, when I had the Essure procedure done, I grieved for the children I would never have. Just when I felt like I was making some headway in dealing with the grief, I had the followup procedure a few weeks ago. The sterilization was not complete, and there was still a possibility I could get pregnant.

It's a struggle, to be sure. One I'm not sure I can really describe. Before I had Essure, I would tell Hawk every so often "but I'm tough! I could still have another baby! It will be okay!" After the procedure, I slowly stopped saying and thinking that. Now it's started all over again, and I'm sure the idea won't leave my head until I ... hit menopause?

But every time Hawk said "no dear, it's too dangerous," and every time I told myself "no self, you would die!," my heart would ache. Wah wah, wah wah. Somebody call the WAAAAAAAH-mbulance.

Anyway, the point is, my OBGYN called yesterday. It looks like something is "wrong" with my fallopian tube and he wants to do an exploratory type surgery to figure out what's going on. While he's at it, he'll do a tubal and I should be good to go. I called today and asked if we can't just do a total hysterectomy, and I'm waiting to hear back on that.

So yeah, I could still get pregnant. It's a huge temptation, and I mean ENORMOUS, to sneakily go off my birth control pills. No one would know until I was with child! But as my OB said, if I get pregnant I would have to terminate the pregnancy or risk death.

So let this be a lesson to you ladies. Before you get pregnant, seek out the advice of a medical professional. Don't just wing it. If I had winged it, I would most likely not be here right now.

2 comments to Struggles:

Jeff and Bethany Davis said...

I'm sorry. Good grief. It should be over with! How horrible to have to keep coming back to this and not just move on. But, you ARE tough, and can make it through. Hang in there!

Leslie said...

I know that it is a very painful thing for you to find that you can never carry a baby in your womb again. Don't let the guilt of it get to you. Heavenly Father has a plan for you. Your desire to be a mother is strong. I am certain you will cherish the child you have even more because of this whole thing.