My best friend, Dove, had a baby on Thursday. She had a fast labor (4 hours) and was able to have a home waterbirth. Baby Turtledove is a gorgeous, perfect little girl.
And I am so jealous.
I'm very happy for them, but I am so jealous. I don't know if I've ever felt so at odds with myself before. I want another baby. Words can't express how much I want another baby.
Previously, Hawk and I were against adoption for a few reasons. I am partially adopted and my parents had two biological kids after me. I always felt like the odd one out and like I was treated differently than my siblings. I'm sure they feel that I was treated differently because my parents loved them more while I feel just the opposite. My siblings are half Latino and it's weird growing up in a family being the only white kid. I didn't want to put any child of mine in that position. Would it be even harder being the only black/Latino/Asian kid in our family? I've read so many things that say yes.
If we adopt, we'd want to be matched as soon as possible because Hawk and I don't want Sparrow to remember being an only child. The window there is closing quickly - while my grandma insists that people don't remember before their 10th birthday, I have memories as early as age 2. Hawk does as well.
But we have no control over how quickly we'd be matched, and there's the question of if any adoption agency would even accept us with my health problems. And the money. Oh the money. Granted, Sparrow cost $70,000 when all was said and done, but we didn't have to come up with it up front, and we only had to pay $6,000, which we're still chipping away at.
Adoption scares me. But if it will take away the nagging feeling that someone is missing from our family, I am willing to try it. Most of the time. Sometimes, I'll admit, it's very nice to be just the three of us. I guess we'll see.