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Better all the time

13 December 2009
In February 2009 when I was first told I could not have any more babies, it was freaking hard. I think I cried every day for a month, and then again for a month after I had Essure. And then again for another month after I had my tubal ligation. I thought it would never go away. Looking at Sparrow's old baby stuff made me die. My friend being pregnant and having her baby made me die. Knitting baby items made me die.

Now it is still hard. There are still days when I curl up in a ball inside and mourn. But it's no longer defining my life. Heck yes I wish Sparrow could have a sibling. I see siblings playing together all the time, or watch shows where brothers have this bond of steel. And I mourn that my son will never have that. It's too bad, but that's just the way it is. We are done, not in the way I would have liked to be, but it's just over. And I'm slowly accepting that.

It helps that Sparrow is getting older and more fun and we're able to do more things, things that we wouldn't be able to do if I were 9 months pregnant or had an infant. It also helps that as Sparrow grows, I am slowly letting go of more and more of his baby things. Most of them are going to people I know, or can somehow keep in touch with, so I can see them being used for a new baby and that makes me feel better. Still hard, but less gut-wrenching.

This post was brought to you by Nyquil and cookies.

1 comments to Better all the time:

De Anne said...

Great combination of Nyquil and cookies.

I am glad that you are healing a little bit at a time. Finding peace is so important.