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2009: Don't let the door hit you in the #*@ on the way out.

31 December 2009
Here's my year in review.
January: Went to see an OBGYN about getting pregnant with #2. OBGYN sent me to heart specialist, who ran tests and told me I had an abnormal heartbeat. Grandma told me rather abruptly that she was going on a trip with my sister to Europe, a trip that I had wanted to do my entire life. Sparrow turned 1, we all rejoiced that we lived as long as we had.

February: Cardiologist told me that my pregnancy with Sparrow had caused a hole in my tricuspid valve, my heart was leaky and crappy and any blood pressure spikage could kill me. Really Awesome Doctorman Who Specializes Like Crazy In Preemies and High Risk Pregnancies told me DO NOT GET PREGNANT, DO NOT DO IT. Thanks a lot. OBGYN told me thank God I hadn't gotten pregnant, because they would have had to terminate or let me die. Whee!

March: Sparrow teethed, I had strep, an ear infection, and bronchitis. My doctor wanted to know why I wasn't writhing in pain. As an EFF YOU to 2009 thus far, Hawk and I went on a weekend trip to Disneyland. The next weekend I had Essure, a non-invasive sterilization procedure that is supposed to last 15-25 minutes. Mine lasted an hour and a half.

April: Adjusted to the pain leftover from having metal bits shoved into my uterus. Worked on not being overwhelmed by the emotional pain from being sterile. Hawk and I had a bomb dropped on us from the Church, had to adjust to that and decide if I was going to leave or not. Sparrow took his first steps, then proceeded to refuse to walk.

May: We found our awesome townhouse and moved. Sushi (the cat) had to go live with another family after eating our dinner for the last time. (Seriously that cat was insane - it ate bread, jalapenos, anything vaguely foodlike that wasn't nailed down.) Finished my contracting job, took a spur of the moment trip to St. George with my best friend and Sparrow in tow. Sparrow decided he was officially a toddler. Had some brief but intense marital struggles.

June: Had a dog, briefly. Loved that stupid dog and still do. Grandma left on her trip and I was very depressed. Got very sick. Sparrow was cute and did cute baby-like things. I wallowed in despair because I miss England so much. This line from my journal sticks out to me: You know what I could use a break from? Poop.

July: Had a balloon stuck into my uterus and inflated. Discovered the Essure didn't take. Went on an awesome trip to the Pacific Northwest, decided if living in England doesn't pan out I'm moving to Lincoln City and/or Tillamook, Oregon. Dropped Sparrow on his head in the redwood forest, and broke my ankle while falling down a mountain. Sparrow fell out of his stroller two days later and got a concussion. Darn kid.

August: I hate August, because it is hot and I hate hot. Had a tubal ligation since Essure didn't work. Became officially sterile. Found out that my uterus was odd and scarred from the C-section. Sparrow and I took swimming lessons. Sparrow had his first hair cut. Hawk was awesome, as usual.

September: Sparrow discovered that OMG HE LOVES PONIES. Went to petting zoo, started music class. My friend Dove had her baby, beautiful little girl who is still beautiful. Another friend had a baby. Infertility aches. Whine whine, moan moan, eat eat.

October: Took Sparrow up the ski lift and nearly peed my pants/fell to my death. NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. Was on TV at the baby expo saying how I didn't think Obama earned the Nobel Prize, and managed to not look like a complete moron! Parenting started to become enjoyable after 20 months of hell! Was prescribed Ultram to deal with constant cramping after the tubal. Note: am still on Ultram, and still cramping constantly. Appointment with new doctor in late January. Hawk made me laugh till I puked. Halloween saw us dressed as a knight (Hawk), a princess (me) and a dragon (Sparrow.)

November: Hawk got me dance lessons for my 23rd birthday; my mom got me a beautiful picture of the Salt Lake temple that now hangs above our fireplace. Thanksgiving was awesome. I got to see my biological dad and his family again and hanging out with them is always hilarious. Shopping Black Friday sales with my mom and grandma rocked. Sparrow discovered the carousel at the South Towne mall and is in love with the "neigh neigh"'s. Had to have mouth surgery. Took Sparrow to the zoo and froze.

December: Mouth surgery removed a lump; it was classified as extremely rare and weird. Also, possibly an alien microchip. After recovery, I ate a lot. Had a couple of breakdowns related to medications, am still working on getting the right balance in. Struggled with tithing, but our bishop ROCKS and is a wonderfully kind and helpful man. Sparrow's second Christmas - I didn't finish making his present in time, but he'll get it for his birthday. My Christmas was insanely awesome, with a piano and ski tickets, woot!! Hawk and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. Or rather, waved at the anniversary as it passed by - Hawk was very, very sick and I was busy taking care of Sparrow.

Here we are, the last day of December. In 6 days it will have been 5 years since I left for England. Man, I miss that place. But I do like where I am right now, which is something I haven't been able to say for a long time. I love my little boy and I love my husband, I love our lives and I love our home. I love the possibilities we have before us.

I love that 2009 is over, and you bet your butt I am staying up till midnight to make sure this crappy year actually leaves.

And 2010? You owe me.

Picture a Christmas

30 December 2009
We had a wonderful Christmas. It was a joy to be with my family and Sparrow had such a great time. My mom and Hawk were both very generous in their gifts to me. My mom got me a piano(!!!!!) and Hawk got me two day passes to a local ski resort. I can't wait to go! Sparrow also got some wonderful presents and had a blast playing with all of them. I'm kind of sad December is over - I will miss Christmas!

Apologies for the odd quality of these pictures. I'm still learning how to use my camera.


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This is our Four Generations picture, with my grandma, mom, Sparrow and me. I look like a got hit with a truck. It was a long day.

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Sparrow got his second hair cut over Christmas. Isn't he handsome? (And busy - he was watching a movie and wanted me to get out of his way!)

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This may just be my favorite picture ever.


Hope your Christmas was wonderful too!!

A message from Sparrow

23 December 2009
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Hi, it's me, Sparrow. I'm getting ready to spend Christmas with Mommy, Daddy, Nana, Papa, Great Grandma, and my aunt and uncle. And Nana and Papa's doggies and kitties. We are going to have so much fun! I can't wait! We will probably watch a lot of Little Bear, since that is my favorite show, and we will probably eat lots and lots of yummy food. Do you like my Santa outfit? I like it because it has Santa, and when I see him on my shirt I poke his beard and say "ho, ho!" Mommy thinks that's funny. She also thinks it's funny when I wear her boots. I like to wear them whenever I get the chance - they make great clomping noises on our floor!

We've gotten almost 8 inches of snow the last two days! I got to ride in my sled while Mommy pulled me around yesterday. We stopped after a while because Mommy got tired and was breathing funny and staggering and saying something about me being too heavy. Silly Mommy, I'm not that heavy! Well, I have to go help shovel the driveway now. Have a happy Christmas!

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Yummy!

18 December 2009
We had a good lunch today.

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Mmm, chocolate pudding!

Hey, there's an awesome giveaway going on at Keeper of the Home. But if you win, you have to share with me!

Sparrow Dances

17 December 2009
Check this stinkin' cute kid out! This video was taken at the zoo when we went last month. It was cold. Very cold. So we danced to get warm!

Grrr.

15 December 2009
Sparrow got a new coat this year. I picked it out. My thought process was, "He needs a coat. Hey, this is a cute coat. But it's not very manly. But how many more chances am I going to get to dress him like this? I'm buying this coat."

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Every time Sparrow sees himself in this coat he says "beah? gaah!!!" (bear? grr!) It is hilarious. Also cute, also fluffy and snuggly and squishy and soft. And it is huge on him so he will be able to wear it next year too.

What's more manly than a big grizzly bear anyway?

Better all the time

13 December 2009
In February 2009 when I was first told I could not have any more babies, it was freaking hard. I think I cried every day for a month, and then again for a month after I had Essure. And then again for another month after I had my tubal ligation. I thought it would never go away. Looking at Sparrow's old baby stuff made me die. My friend being pregnant and having her baby made me die. Knitting baby items made me die.

Now it is still hard. There are still days when I curl up in a ball inside and mourn. But it's no longer defining my life. Heck yes I wish Sparrow could have a sibling. I see siblings playing together all the time, or watch shows where brothers have this bond of steel. And I mourn that my son will never have that. It's too bad, but that's just the way it is. We are done, not in the way I would have liked to be, but it's just over. And I'm slowly accepting that.

It helps that Sparrow is getting older and more fun and we're able to do more things, things that we wouldn't be able to do if I were 9 months pregnant or had an infant. It also helps that as Sparrow grows, I am slowly letting go of more and more of his baby things. Most of them are going to people I know, or can somehow keep in touch with, so I can see them being used for a new baby and that makes me feel better. Still hard, but less gut-wrenching.

This post was brought to you by Nyquil and cookies.

I'm sick too.

12 December 2009
Sparrow seems to be over the worst of it. Hawk is all the way better.

So I will let them play while I go die. Bleeeaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!

This is hard.

09 December 2009
Sparrow is sick for the first time ever. That we made it this far is pretty amazing considering he's a winter-born preemie baby and I never was very good at staying inside during cold season.

Hawk had this crap last week and I'm trying hard not to be mad at him for getting Sparrow sick. The only reason I don't have it is because I was on antibiotics after my mouth surgery and they are still in my system.

Sparrow has a runny nose, sneezes, deep pathetic cough that makes him cry, and a sore throat. He's not eating much, but he did enjoy pumpkin cookies for lunch today (with real pumpkin, hopefully there are some vitamins in there.) His hoarse little voice is so freaking sad.

It's been a very emotional day. I can't stand that he is sick and it makes me cry to see him hurting and sad. I spent $60 on medicines for him today - ibuprofen for the pain, a medicinal grade honey syrup with lemon for the cough, Calms Forte to help him sleep tonight, vitamin C gummies, and some immunity blend yogurts. I hope he will get over this soon; having a sick toddler is scary, sad, and frustrating. At least he doesn't have a fever.

Poor Sparrow

07 December 2009
Today Sparrow slipped and fell on his head on a hardwood floor. He cried so hard he started choking. Then he threw up. First time he has ever thrown up, apart from normal baby spit-up.

Poor kid :(

Clearly, I should do laundry more often.

06 December 2009
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What Sparrow wears when he has no clean pants.

Is it bad that I am putting episodes of Caillou on my iPod for Sparrow to watch during Church tomorrow? In my defense, Hawk is sick and I am woefully unprepared to handle a toddler alone during sacrament meeting.

Here's the thing

01 December 2009
I love reading blogs with activities for little ones, especially teaching activities. Blogs like Chasing Cheerios and the Home Teacher (PS, Keri ROCKS).

But I don't think Sparrow is developmentally "there" as far as doing structured activities, be it playing with clay or coloring. Chalk it up to being two months early or to my crappy parenting skillz, but Sparrow's still pretty much only interested in sticking things in his mouth and screaming.

Yay for crafts, I just wish my kid was old enough to do them.