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Sacrifices

18 March 2010
I've spent the last few days running around campus, trying to get my life figured out. I've come to the conclusion that UVU advisors are awesome but I hate UVU, and BYU advisors suck but I love like BYU. And so.

I've been struggling lately with . . . well, everything. As much as I love Sparrow, the kid is driving me insane. Two years home with him is driving me insane. I feel like I am stagnant, like I am wasting away. I honestly don't know how stay-at-home moms do it - I really, really dislike my life right now. I love that I don't have to work, and I do like being free to run around and do errands and take Sparrow to music class and activities, but everything else is killing me.

Two years is awesome, right? I made it this far. I might revisit the idea of staying home and only going to school part-time after the fall semester. But right now, I just need a break, and school is my break. I know, I'm a freak. It's okay.

I can't help but feel like I've failed as a parent. Moms are supposed to stay home with their kids, if they are financially able, which I am. I am supposed to be teaching him and loving him and playing with him, and here I am jumping for joy at the prospect of leaving him for a bit.

But you know, honestly? I think we're all going to be happier this way. Being busy with school means I'm not going to be at the stores looking for something to do (and thus getting in trouble buying things all the time) so Hawk will be happy, it means Sparrow gets interaction with other kids and better learning time, it means I get to be IN SCHOOL! Whee!!! Studying what I love! Whee!!!!

My courses are all planned out (for now.) I am officially an English major/Editing minor (for now.) I am taking some nursing prereqs just to see if I can get in the program. I still intend to get a degree in nursing sometime in the future, but if I don't get into the BYU program I will just complete my English degree and go to another school when Sparrow is older. My classes are making me squee with excitement. The writing classes are going to be amazing and my electives? Also awesome. Lots of Spanish. Lots of religion courses. Oh, and I am taking a semester of violin lessons to see if it's something I want to pursue.

Man, I love college.

Now let's see if I love it this much when my first midterms roll out.

4 comments to Sacrifices:

De Anne said...

Don't guilt yourself. I am a much better mommy when I have time away from my girls. For their well being and my own, it is best that I work. I went back to BYU when my youngest was just a tad older than Sparrow. It was a great break and a spiritual boost each day. I came home at night and savoured every moment with my girls. I think you will love it! Don't add guilt to the mix. It just spoils everything.

Nisha said...

I know VERY FEW women who are wired the perfect mommy way. I would go NUTS if I didn't have anything in my life besides mommy/wife stuff. So, I totally get it. You are so not alone :) And it's perfectly fine to pursue other things so long as you still honor your role as mother/wife. Balance is the key, my dear :)

Jeff and Bethany Davis said...

Yay for school! I'm excited for you and a little jealous. You'll have to blog a lot (especially about your writing assignments) so I can live vicariously through you!

dee said...

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.............................................