Home | Posts RSS | Comments RSS | Login

SI Awareness

02 March 2010
Yesterday, March 1, was Self Injury Awareness day. I totally spaced it.

As many of you know, I was/am a self-harmer. I wish I could say it's been a long time since I cut, but it's actually only been a few weeks. Before that incident, though, the last time I cut was in March of 2006. And I am confident in saying that my recent slip-up was a one-time thing.

I've become aware of the fact that I may never lose the urge to self harm. When things get hard, when I am stressed, frustrated, lonely, hurt, sad, angry - I will likely always have that thought in the back of my mind, that cutting will help it go away. But it doesn't. It doesn't go away when I take a blade to my skin. And I think this last time I cut, I really cemented that fact in my mind.

I also wish I could say that I've really been able to get help for my problems. But you know, I haven't. I recently realized that I traded one form of self injury for another. I am going to start counseling tomorrow and I hope that with professional help I can exorcise my demons for good - or at least figure out better methods of controlling them.

This road that I am on is twisted terrain. The path is overgrown and not well marked. Dark forest is on either side of me, and the wayside is littered with hurts, broken dreams, and lost confidence. I am frightened, and many times I want to give up. But I know that with the support and love of my family and friends, my lantern will give me enough light to see my way. And I know that with my Savior's help, I can overcome anything. Someday, maybe years from now, I will reach the end of my broken road, and I will meet Him at the top of a mountain. I will fall to my knees and sob, and perhaps I will ask Him, "why did I have to travel that particular road? Why did I have to go through all that?"

And He will smile, and take me in His arms, and lift me up and show me the scene that lies ahead - a beautiful view of a peaceful and golden valley. "The path you took was the only one that could lead you here, my child," He might say. "Having traveled that dark road, now you can truly appreciate the wondrous sight that lies before you."

And it is that hope that keeps me going.

3 comments to SI Awareness:

ButtonGear said...

Consider yourself hugged.

I think we ALL deal with varying degrees of one addiction or another; some are more evident to those around us, and some never leave the secret recesses of our minds/hearts/etc. I've often wondered what the real value of our addictive and/or self-destructive natures have in the greater scheme of God's plan, but I'm sure when he explains it to me someday it will be a wonderful epiphany.

Anyway, please know you are in our thoughts and prayers as you start to work through this. No stranger to counseling myself, I know how hard it is to go and do the work. But it's SO worth it when you start 'connecting the dots' in your mind and soul.

Good luck.

Untypically Jia said...

Hey, email me. I have a project I want your help with and I don't have your email address.

ButtonGear said...

Oh-- by the way, when I saw the title of "SI Awareness," and (being an American male), I immediately thought "Sports Illustrated Awareness ... hmmm." naturally, I thought of the swimsuit edition, but I guess that falls a little closer to MY addictive behaviors. :)