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Crazy crazy busy

29 March 2010
It's been a nutty week and a half. Dove has been visiting for a week and will be here until Friday. We took a short trip to southern Utah (St. George) and it was insanity. Never again will I attempt to stay in a hotel room with a 6 month old and a 2 year old. In fact, next time? I'm getting my own hotel.

But we've had fun all things considered. Today Dove and I did antigravity yoga and lucked out - we were the only ones in the class! So it was like getting a private lesson. I did awesome today and was brave enough to try swings, inversions, and positions of all sorts. It was very exciting. I highly recommend this form of yoga to, um, everyone. It's amazing.

Now for a bunch of pictures, again.

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Sparrow and his Nana, driving the "official" UCAS car

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I walked around the temple the other night and had to snap this picture.

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This is our neighborhood last week when it was SNOWING while the sun was shining. I was very upset about the whole thing.

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Here are the four of us in St. George in front of the temple.

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Cool car at Walmart.

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Oh St. George. I love you.

Sacrifices

18 March 2010
I've spent the last few days running around campus, trying to get my life figured out. I've come to the conclusion that UVU advisors are awesome but I hate UVU, and BYU advisors suck but I love like BYU. And so.

I've been struggling lately with . . . well, everything. As much as I love Sparrow, the kid is driving me insane. Two years home with him is driving me insane. I feel like I am stagnant, like I am wasting away. I honestly don't know how stay-at-home moms do it - I really, really dislike my life right now. I love that I don't have to work, and I do like being free to run around and do errands and take Sparrow to music class and activities, but everything else is killing me.

Two years is awesome, right? I made it this far. I might revisit the idea of staying home and only going to school part-time after the fall semester. But right now, I just need a break, and school is my break. I know, I'm a freak. It's okay.

I can't help but feel like I've failed as a parent. Moms are supposed to stay home with their kids, if they are financially able, which I am. I am supposed to be teaching him and loving him and playing with him, and here I am jumping for joy at the prospect of leaving him for a bit.

But you know, honestly? I think we're all going to be happier this way. Being busy with school means I'm not going to be at the stores looking for something to do (and thus getting in trouble buying things all the time) so Hawk will be happy, it means Sparrow gets interaction with other kids and better learning time, it means I get to be IN SCHOOL! Whee!!! Studying what I love! Whee!!!!

My courses are all planned out (for now.) I am officially an English major/Editing minor (for now.) I am taking some nursing prereqs just to see if I can get in the program. I still intend to get a degree in nursing sometime in the future, but if I don't get into the BYU program I will just complete my English degree and go to another school when Sparrow is older. My classes are making me squee with excitement. The writing classes are going to be amazing and my electives? Also awesome. Lots of Spanish. Lots of religion courses. Oh, and I am taking a semester of violin lessons to see if it's something I want to pursue.

Man, I love college.

Now let's see if I love it this much when my first midterms roll out.

You oughta be in pictures

12 March 2010
Time for pictures!

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Sparrow, Dove, Turtledove and me just moments before Dodo stole Dove away from me forever. Jerkface.

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Sparrow and Hawk at the park last Saturday.

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Sparrow and I went swimming today. Sparrow looked much cuter than me, so he got his picture taken.

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Look at those eyes! And good thing this boy likes our Greek yogurt, because no one else in this house eats it.

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I love these two boys.

Have I mentioned?

09 March 2010
I graduated with my Associate's Degree when I was 17. I completed two years of college during my senior year of high school, and then when I graduated I was like, "crap, I have to decide what I want do be when I grow up." That thought scared the crap out of me, and after completing a semester abroad in London, I promptly quit school.

Now don't get me wrong, I think I accomplished a great thing there. But more than once I have wished that I did college the traditional way, as maybe I wouldn't have crashed and burned. Oh well, que sera sera, right?

If I could be a professional student, I would. I would love to go to class every day for the rest of my life, because I am weird like that. I'm 23 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. But I have to decide pretty soon, because I just got my acceptance letter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will be attending BYU starting fall of 2010. I could not be more excited.

Now I just need to figure out what to major in before April 2, as that is my registration date.

(SQUEE!!!!!!!!!!)

It's all fun and games.

06 March 2010
Alternate Title: The Best Saturday Morning Ever

or

The Batteries Were Dead, to Begin With.

So. Last night, my friend Owly was playing a video game and it made me want to play a video game. Owly is awesome and I pretty much stalk her in an attempt to make her awesomeness rub off. (Don't worry, Jia, I have room in my schedule for multiple stalkings.) So I pulled out The Force: Unleashed which, coincidentally, Owly gave me for Christmas. And I played. And played. And suddenly it was 3 in the morning. So I went to bed.

At approximately 5:39 I am having a somewhat scary dream involving evil Sith, rancors, and a lightsaber. The clock strikes 5:40.

SCREECHSCREECHSCREECHSCREECHUNGODLYUNHUMANNOISEFROMHELLSCREECHSCREECHSCREECH

Fire alarm. Nope, not a real fire. One of the batteries must be getting low.

Pardon me while I change my sheets. That was terrifying.

We've never lived in a house with fire alarms like this before. The kind where ALL of them go off if just one of them has a low battery. Cute! Whoever thought this up was a genius! And why, exactly, do my little alarms ALWAYS feel a need to run out of battery in the middle of the night? Can't you go to the bathroom BEFORE WE LEAVE THE HOUSE?!?!

Suffice to say, two hours later we had a house with circuits turned off (guess what? fire alarms DON'T CARE if your power is off, they run on batteries! Silly us!!), every fire alarm disassembled, batteries flung out the windows, a whiny Hawk who has declared his intention to move to a fire-alarm free area, and a Sparrow who slept through the whole damn thing. How?! My ears STILL hurt. Dear. God.

So what I am saying is, I went back to bed around 8.

Sparrow woke up at 9.

It was very clear with just a tiny peek from my sleep-crusted eye that Hawk was not getting up to feed the hungry offspring. Ah, motherhood.

It's gonna be a fun day.

SI Awareness

02 March 2010
Yesterday, March 1, was Self Injury Awareness day. I totally spaced it.

As many of you know, I was/am a self-harmer. I wish I could say it's been a long time since I cut, but it's actually only been a few weeks. Before that incident, though, the last time I cut was in March of 2006. And I am confident in saying that my recent slip-up was a one-time thing.

I've become aware of the fact that I may never lose the urge to self harm. When things get hard, when I am stressed, frustrated, lonely, hurt, sad, angry - I will likely always have that thought in the back of my mind, that cutting will help it go away. But it doesn't. It doesn't go away when I take a blade to my skin. And I think this last time I cut, I really cemented that fact in my mind.

I also wish I could say that I've really been able to get help for my problems. But you know, I haven't. I recently realized that I traded one form of self injury for another. I am going to start counseling tomorrow and I hope that with professional help I can exorcise my demons for good - or at least figure out better methods of controlling them.

This road that I am on is twisted terrain. The path is overgrown and not well marked. Dark forest is on either side of me, and the wayside is littered with hurts, broken dreams, and lost confidence. I am frightened, and many times I want to give up. But I know that with the support and love of my family and friends, my lantern will give me enough light to see my way. And I know that with my Savior's help, I can overcome anything. Someday, maybe years from now, I will reach the end of my broken road, and I will meet Him at the top of a mountain. I will fall to my knees and sob, and perhaps I will ask Him, "why did I have to travel that particular road? Why did I have to go through all that?"

And He will smile, and take me in His arms, and lift me up and show me the scene that lies ahead - a beautiful view of a peaceful and golden valley. "The path you took was the only one that could lead you here, my child," He might say. "Having traveled that dark road, now you can truly appreciate the wondrous sight that lies before you."

And it is that hope that keeps me going.