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30 Days of Truth: Day 23

30 January 2011
Yeah I know I already did day 23. I want to do it again. I'm skipping day 24.

What I REALLY wish I had done - I wish I had gone on an LDS mission. I would have left when I turned 21 in 2007, and been gone for 18 months.

It is one of my most biggest regrets ever. I so, so should have waited to get married. I will be able to go on a mission when Hawk and I are old and retired, but it's not the same. I will always wonder what my life would be like had I gone on a mission instead of gotten married. Last week I actually had a dream that I got my mission call and I was going to the Ukraine. Sweet.

It's been said that the greatest mission is motherhood, yada yada, but dude. So wish I had gone on a real mission when I had the chance. Even though it would have killed me to be without Internet for 18 months, even though I would have died not being able to talk to Owly on the computer every day - I still should have gone. Oh well.

My little brother is preparing to go on his mission sometime after May. I am excited to see where he will end up going.

So there you go.

30 Days of Truth: Day 23

Something I wish I'd done in my life.

Did I mention I wish I'd graduated? Ha ha. Okay how about this -

In 2005 I went to London on study abroad. One week, we went to Edinburgh, Scotland. We were told not to go out alone, but other than that we didn't have direct supervision considering it was me and a bunch of 20 somethings (I was 18 at the time.) For some reason, I got a hotel room to myself while everyone else had to share. All I wanted to do in Edinburgh was go on a ghost tour of the Edinburgh vaults. That was the only thing I *had* to do. Nobody wanted to go with me, so I said to heck with it and i went out on my own at night. I think it was St. Patrick's Day but I can't remember for certain.

It was scary, but awesome. I was nervous walking back to my hotel alone, but really, everything went fine and nobody even knew. Or so I thought.

The next day, we left Edinburgh and stopped somewhere for a bathroom break along the way. As everyone was boarding the bus (they call it a coach over there), my professor pulled me to the side and proceeded to chew me out in front of every single person there - how she was thisclose to sending me home, and how blah blah I actually don't remember anything she said because I was busy standing there trying to look at stoic as possible.

I don't regret what I did.

But I do regret what happened the next month. We went to Paris for 4 days. On day 3, my mini-group was getting ready to go to the Eiffel Tower. I felt so sick I didn't know if I could go. So I asked my group to take me back to the hotel. And there I stayed for the next 5 hours. Because I had been yelled at the prior month, I was too chicken to leave the room. If I had been braver (or really, realized that my professors wouldn't have sent me home with less than a month left on the program) I would have left when I started feeling better and gone to the Eiffel Tower by myself. At the very least I should have opened my hotel room door, so if I saw anyone else from the group I could have left with them. But oh well, hindsight being what it is... yeah.

So I wish I had gone up the Eiffel Tower when I had the chance. I know I will some day - but I'm bummed I didn't do it when I was in Paris the first time.

I also wish I'd worked harder. At everything.

And now if I don't go take a nap I'm going to wish that I had.

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

28 January 2011
Something I wish I hadn't done.

I wish I hadn't gotten my tubes tied in August 2009. At the time, I was told if I got pregnant again I would almost certainly die. My first pregnancy ended badly with me very near having a stroke, liver and heart failure, blah blah. We found out in January of 2009 that because my blood pressure was so high during the pregnancy it tore a hole in my heart. I'm on blood pressure medication for the rest of my life because of that.

So I jumped to get my tubes tied so I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant again. Except I wish I hadn't. Even at the risk of my own health, I wish I could have another baby. I want Sparrow to have a sibling and I want another baby to snuggle. Also, ever since my operation I've had severe cramping. Every single day. I never cramped before the surgery. I'm on prescription pain killers every day because the cramping is so bad. My doctor won't do anything about it and the two other doctor's I've seen, one wouldn't do anything and the other said we could try an endometrial ablation but it might not work. If I can't have any more babies, I really don't think I should have to cramp every day. Or go through a period once a month. It's stupid.

I also wish I hadn't been such a moron financially. I had no idea how to handle money when I was younger - in fact I am still figuring it out but at least I have a decent idea now. I spent 6 years screwing around, racking up debt and killing my credit. Oops. I wish I had gotten out of debt before I got married instead of gifting my new husband with $20,000 of money owed. Now we owe more than that because of young-and-dumb mistakes, but we're trying to get it paid down. Ugh.

I really really wish I hadn't dropped out of college, but I already wrote about that.

30 Days of Truth: Catchup

27 January 2011
Day 18: What do you think of gay marriage? - I think marriage is ordained of God and should be between a man and a woman. Sorry. Well, I'm not really sorry. I have more I could say but it's very personal and I'm not into blogging it, so if you really want to know then email me and I'll tell you.

Day 19: What do you think of religion or politics? - I wish politics were less... boring. I mean, in all honesty I could make more of an effort to follow politics, but it seems so futile. Both sides of the political coin are crooked and two-faced, and following all the lies drives me crazy. Oh and it pisses (sorry I hate that word but it applies) me off when candidates start smear campaigns on each other. Oh how it makes me mad.

Day 20: Views on drugs and alcohol - Just say no. I was tempted to do hard drugs as a teenager, but wouldn't have known where to get any. I remember doing a search on eBay once. That didn't work. Alcohol is gross. It is the most disgusting thing I have ever tried in my entire life besides coffee. I didn't have enough to get drunk because I couldn't stand the nastiness of the stuff - it tastes like death! Why do you drink something that tastes like POISON!?

Day 21: I just got in a fight with my best friend and an hour later she's in a car accident. What do I do? - I go grovel at her bruised and scraped feet, that's what. I bring her boatloads of chocolate and sushi and remind myself to never take my friends for granted again. I would beat myself up for the whole experience too. As a child I would sit in terror every time my grandma left our house because I just knew she was going to get in a car accident and die on the way to her house. I always made sure that the last words I said to her were "I love you." Yes, I was a morbid child. I still am.

Yay I am caught up. Did I mention I am bored of this project? Oh well. I think I'll survive for 8 more days. Maybe. If not you'll feel bad that you ever made me do it. Kind like that whole day 21 scenario. Oh snap. I can't wait to get chocolate from you.

30 Days of Truth: Day 17

24 January 2011
A book I've read that changed my views on something.

I don't really have a book, per se. Well, I do, but the only reason I know of the book is because of a blog that I started reading. The Lazy Organizer. Oh man, Lara cracks me up. She is so funny. I think we could be friends in real life. Her kids are beautiful and awesome and you know why they are awesome? Well for lots of reasons, but also because of the changes Lara has made in her/their life.

I've been reading her blog for about a year, going back through most of the archives and I just caught up to the present two days ago. Lara homeschools her kids, but a while ago she discovered Charlotte Mason and her educational method and posted about how awesome it was and how everything was changing for the better. Well, I was intrigued.

I never considered homeschooling Sparrow. The most I've thought about it is planning on sending him to private or a charter school, knowing that since he's our only, we can afford it. But after reading more about Charlotte Mason, reading her books, reading blogs from moms who use her methods, reading about classical education/Thomas Jefferson education, holy crap guys. This is the real deal. This is what school SHOULD be. This is the education I SHOULD have gotten.

So I have been reading Charlotte Mason's works and also "Thomas Jefferson Education" and "A Thomas Jefferson Education Home Companion." I love it. I love what I am learning about these educational models. I am so excited for Sparrow to someday be in Scholar phase, or having him work with a mentor.

Don't get me wrong, I will likely still send him to regular school. At least for a little while - I want him to have that experience, and I also think it will be good for him to learn to relate and be involved with kids his own age. But I plan on sending him to a school that uses either CM or TJED methods. I've found a couple in my area and I am planning on touring them soon. Even if I can't send him to one of these schools, I plan on implementing lots of this stuff in our every day after school life.

Seriously, I owe Lara a lot. I would have never heard about this stuff if not for her and I am so grateful. I haven't felt so excited about learning - about education - in a long time. I'm not just excited for Sparrow, I'm excited for me! All this stuff I am learning is teaching me that I can learn EVEN MORE and you know what? I guess I thought my learning days were over since I'm out of school, but now I know better. I can give myself the education I should have gotten. Boo. Yah.

I will be attending the TJED Conference in March and I can hardly wait! If you are going to be there, let me know, I would love love love to meet you!

Here are some of the blogs I have been reading/subscribed to because of their TJED/Charlotte Mason/homeschooling awesomeness. Some of them might not be strictly about the educational styles but I have stuck them all in my RSS reader under "TJED & Such"

For more information about Charlotte Mason, visit: Simply Charlotte Mason

For more information about Thomas Jefferson Education visit: the official website

Being a Mother Who Knows
Chocolate on my Cranium
Gentle Art of Chaos
Mrs. Smith
The Cottage at Pollywog Pond
The Tale of Our Quest
TJ Ed Mom for Liberty

30 Days of Truth: Day 16

22 January 2011
Something I could live without.

Our TV. The more we use it, the more I hate it.

Relations necessary to make a baby possible. TMI? Sorry. But seriously - I can't have any more kids, so why does Hawk still want to get busy? No reason, pal! Pfft!!

Sparrow's tantrums. I could seriously live without another one of those ever again and I'd be fine.

I could live without Wendy's. Before they introduced their "new" fries, I couldn't have said that. But their fries are now gross, so Wendy's, sorry but you're on my black list. Also I could live without Burger King. Remember how I got a rock in my veggie burger last year? 6 months later, Hawk got food poisoning from them and we haven't been back. Yeah yeah, we shouldn't eat fast food, it's a work in progress.

I could live without Zuma Blitz sucking me in on Facebook. Stupid addictive games.

Diapers. Soon, my precious, soon.

I could live without never going to Africa. Everywhere else, I want to visit. But I just have no desire to visit Africa as a whole. Bummer. Wait, maybe Egypt. Maybe.

I could really live without talking on phones. I HATE telephones. I HATE talking on them. I LOVE texting. But seriously, phones are my nemesis. I despise them. I avoid talking on the phone whenever possible. The only exception to this rule is when I call my grandma. I tried to get over my hatred of phones for about a year and then I realized that I was never going to get over it and I would be a phone-hater till I died. Sorry. I'm open for emails and texts but phones are the devil. This includes Skype. Dang it. My life would be a lot easier if I liked phones but I JUST DON'T.

Crap, I hear one of those Sparrow tantrums starting.

30 Days of Truth: Day 15

21 January 2011
Something I couldn't live without.

Would it be dumb to say water?

No but seriously, I am a fish. I drink at least 125 oz. a day, often way more than that. I have a favorite water bottle that I carry with me pretty much everywhere. If I go longer than a half hour without a drink, I get sad. I'm not pre-diabetic or anything, I just love love love the taste of water. This has exceptions:

If I'm not in Utah, water is gross. Unless it's in one of those fancy Brita filters. But I hate those because they take a long time. For the record, my fridge has a fancy water-spitter-outter. And I adore it.

If I drink too much water on an empty stomach, I throw up.

Sometimes I just want something bubbly. Like a delicious caffeine free Diet Coke (which was the runner up for this topic, cuz baby, I've tried living without the brown stuff and I just can't do it. Yet. Someday, I'm quitting. But not today.)

My love for water is not only for the drinking kind. I also love to swim. Get me in a pool and I may never leave. I got in trouble on two separate camping trips because I didn't want to get out of the lake in which I was floating. Showers? Fabulous. I shower every single day without fail, and I'd shower twice a day if I could do it without my skin shriveling up and falling off. I try not to take very long showers but I'm definitely capable.

Hawk and I have stayed at the Anniversary Inn three times and every time I have checked the bathtub in advance to make sure it is going to accommodate my serious love of baths. Actually, the first time we stayed there I picked the room based on the bathtub alone. That was awesome - I took in a bath bomb and a bubble bar from LUSH and seriously, the bubbles got up to 5 feet high. I thought I was going to drown in awesomeness. I took so many hot baths that the hotel ran out of hot water. Not even kidding (although I wish I was, because it sucked to shower the next morning in ice cold water on December 24th.)

Anyway, water. Writing this post is making my thirsty and my trusty Nathan stainless steel waterbottle with a flip straw is empty. Gasp! Hooray for water!

Runner ups for this post include: my cats, books/reading, England, and sleep. Since the topic was someTHING I can't live without, I decided not to include people. Except the cats, because they are half thing and half people.

30 Days of Truth: Day 14

20 January 2011
Dear Betty White,

I used to be your biggest fan. I adore "The Golden Girls" and found your character refreshingly hilarious. I think you are a great actress.

But recently I read about you posing for a skanky calendar. And then I heard about you getting drunk on TV for your 80th birthday. And really, I'm just bummed. I think you have a lot of people who look up to you and who think you are great - and I don't feel like you're setting the greatest example for them.

I get that you aren't your character, Rose, but maybe you should be. I'm sad that my love for The Golden Girls is now tainted by your antics - which, let's face it, are just stupid for a lady of your age.


30 Days of Truth: Day 13

19 January 2011
Dear Liam Neeson,

You are my hero. I was first introduced to you when I was 12 and stuck in Richfield, Utah while my sister was in a beauty pageant. Since there was nothing else to do (literally) my dad took my brother and me to see Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. I didn't like Star Wars and thought it would be stupid.

Mr. Neeson, your character, Qui-Gon Jinn, singlehandedly converted me to Star Wars love. I saw TPM 5 times in theaters and prayed each time that somehow, Qui-Gon would survive.

I used to pretend that you were my dad. Even after I was older and separated Qui-Gon and Liam Neeson, I still pretended it. In fact, Mr. Neeson, if you wanted to adopt me, I might just die of happiness. I promise you don't have to do anything other than sign those adoption papers - I'll live my own separate life and never bother you. Unless you want me to. I'll clean your house! I'll bake you cookies!

I think you are a fantastic actor and an amazing person. When I saw The Chronicles of Narnia in December I almost died from the overload of awesomeness. Mr. Neeson, thanks for being so cool. And thanks for playing Qui-Gon. I can't wait to watch the Clone Wars episode coming up with your character. Squee!

30 Days of Truth: Day 12

18 January 2011
Something I never get complimented on.

My parenting skills. Because they suck.

For 3 years we've been trying to get Sparrow to stop screaming. He screams this high-pitched, glass shattering shriek when he's upset or sad or ANGRY. Which is usually at least 3 times a day. Sometimes he does it when he's happy but not as often, but for three years we've tried EVERYTHING to get him to STOP SCREAMING. Seriously, name a discipline method and we've tried it unsuccessfully.

On Sunday I told him that if he didn't stop screaming, a bear would come eat him.

I may be a horrible parent, but he hasn't screamed since.

30 Days of Truth: Day 10 and 11

17 January 2011
Day 10 was supposed to be someone I have in my life that I don't like. Alas, I can't think of anyone. I'm pretty good at avoiding or telling off people who I don't get along with.

Day 11: Something people compliment me on is my kid. Sparrow gets compliments all the time, whether it's on his beautiful curly hair, his gorgeous big eyes and looong eyelashes, how well he sings the Hallelujah Chorus (which he does, constantly), or his cute (and slightly evil) personality.

Did I ever tell you about the time he sang the Hallelujah Chorus on an airplane? We were the first to board the flight, and as everyone else was boarding he started serenading the people. I saw lots of smiles and got a few chuckles. Thankfully once the flight took off he fell asleep. I don't think people would have liked us very much had he sang from Dallas to North Carolina. Yikes.

30 Days of Truth: Day 9

15 January 2011
Are you getting bored of these yet? I am. Just a little.

Someone I didn't want to let go, but just drifted away from. <--bad sentence structure.

I had a great group of friends in 2005-2006. Dove and I lived in a little apartment we dubbed the Krayola Box (Krayola is a mix of our first names.) We were involved in BYU's science fiction/fantasy club, Quark. Yes, we are geeks.

Anyway, through that club, we made a tight circle of friends. Brad, Miriam, Matt, Sarah, Pratt, Hawk, Dove and me. We always had plans, we were always doing SOMETHING crazy. It was a blast. The best part was when Hawk and I started dating. Hawk and Pratt were roommates, and Pratt started dating Dove, so we were roommates dating roommates. We had so much fun that year. I was never bored, there was always someone to hang out with or someone to talk to.

In June of 2006 it started going south. Pratt went home for the summer and he and Dove broke up. Sarah left permanently and as hard as I try, I can't find her. Brad and Hawk had some mini-fights. Dove and I had several fights. We left the Krayola Box in August of 2006 and I moved into a house with a couple of strangers. In December, Hawk and I were married. We had the group (or what remained of it) over a few times, but it was always complicated because Dove and Pratt weren't on speaking terms so if we invited one we couldn't invite the other. Hawk and I moved to Pleasant Grove, which is about a half hour away from Provo and all our friends.

I miss that group. 2005-June 2006 was the best time of my life. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin and so loved. Now I have some fabulous friends, and Dove and I are besties again, but oh it was so amazing back then. And living with Dove was fantastic. You really don't know what you have till it's gone.

Pratt and I are still friends, but we're very distanced from each other. It's hard to hang out, too, when you're married. I took Pratt to lunch about a week after I married Hawk, and an accordion player came over and wanted to play something romantic for us. It was really awkward. Ever since then I've made a rule to never hang out alone with a member of the opposite sex.

I do love Pratt. I think of him as my big brother. He was there for me when I had no one else. He's an amazing guy and his wife is very lucky to have him. I miss him though.

Today we're going to Provo to take Brad to dinner for his birthday. Most of the original group is gone - Dove moved to California, Matt and Miriam moved to Montana, Sarah went to Virginia. Brad and Pratt are the only ones left in Utah. We'll go and it will be a fun dinner and I'm looking forward to hanging out with Brad, but a little part of me will always ache for the years where we were really close.

30 Days of Truth: Day 8

14 January 2011
Someone who has made my life hell, or treated me like poo. Hmm.

It's been a long time since I've had people like that in my life. Generally I find it easier to cut them out than let them in, you know?

In junior high I had a friend who I adored. I felt like we could be sisters, we were so close. For some reason she decided to cut me out and did not do it gracefully. I remember being utterly baffled at her actions because I hadn't done anything wrong - she didn't even give me a good reason, just said she didn't want to be friends anymore, and went around glaring at me. I had to switch lockers and was very lonely for the last 3 months of school, since she was my only real friend. I remember sobbing hysterically a lot that week. I had some great teachers that were really helpful and let me cry in their rooms during their planning period. They were sweet.

The worst thing was when I called her to find out if we could be friends again, and she said yes, and I was ecstatic. The next day I went to school and she said she changed her mind. Ouch.

I avoided this girl for most of my 8th grade year, not wanting to get in a fight or anything. In 9th grade we had an English class together and she came and sat down next to me. I was tentative about it, but we slowly became friends again and when I moved out of state at the end of the year we were both really bummed about losing each other. I ran into her again in 10th grade when I came back to visit, but she was rushing to class so I didn't get to talk to her.

So anyway, she treated me like crap but it all worked out in the end. And ironically, she's the one friend I haven't been able to track down and I've been searching hard for her. So Jamie L. Dreyer, if you're reading this, contact me! I miss you, girlfriend!

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

13 January 2011
Someone who has made my life worth living for.

Lots of people. I can think of several who I can say, in all seriousness, saved my life. Hawk, Sparrow, Owly, Dove... at various points, the only thing that stood between me and suicide are certain people in my life who love and support me.

But I'm going to depart from what I'd guess would be the normal answer for this question, and say that someone who has made my life worth living for is my biological dad.

When I was growing up and didn't know him, I always looked forward to someday meeting him and seeing who he was and hearing all about him. In 5th grade I wrote a whole journal full of letters to him about my life (sadly I lost it), sometimes the letters were happy and filled with happy stories about my life, and sometimes I was angry and I let him have it! As a teenager when I was facing down inner demons, sometimes the only thing that kept me from doing something drastic was knowing that I hadn't met him yet. Also I hadn't tried haggis yet. But now I've tried haggis so let's just move on shall we?

I was finally able to meet him in the summer of 2006. He and his wife flew me to North Carolina and I stayed at their home and got to know them and my two younger sisters (I also now have another brother.) I was terrified but I'm glad I went and I had lots of fun getting to know my roots, as it were. But things were still kind of awkward between him and me. I'm not sure why, but I think I felt intimidated? I'm not sure how to describe it.

But last year my dad visited for a weekend; he flew out to attend my younger brother's Eagle Scout Court of Honor. I freely admit I may have dad-hogged for much of the time he was visiting - but I can't say I regret it. I finally was able to open up and tell him my feelings - how sad I was as a kid, how angry I was that I didn't have him in my life, how hard it's been... you know, general angsty Kestrel type stuff. And he listened. And when he came out to visit for Thanksgiving, he made time to take me to breakfast on our first father daughter date.

Every time he visits, I get to know him a little better. And every time, I am impressed with how awesome he is and honored that he takes the time to get to know me too. It really bites that he and his family live so far away, but it's probably for the best because I'd be harassing them all the time (especially my 6 year old sister, she is such a sweetie.) But anyway, that's my story. My dad is one of the people that makes my life worth living for - for the excitement and coolness and weirdness and awesomeness of getting to know him and realizing how scary crazy alike we are. I'm glad I have my whole family in my life now.

Hey, I was on some serious drugs during this post so if it doesn't make sense.. sorry about that. Mmm, narcotic cough medicine, delicious.

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

12 January 2011
Something I hope I never have to do.

This might be a selfish thing, but I was thinking about it yesterday and more than anything else, this is what I never, ever want to do.

I don't want to outlive some people.

Hawk, my grandma, my mom, Sparrow, my friends Dove and Owly... I don't want to outlive any of them.

See, each of them means so very, very much to me, that I just don't think I would be able to handle it if one of them died. My grandma is in her 60s and she tells me a lot that I'll be in my 50s at least before she plans on dying. I don't care how old I get, I'll never be able to make it without my grandma. I talk with her at least twice a week, often more than that. I can't imagine not having her there - it is a real struggle to make it when she goes on vacations and I can't talk to her for a week, so there's no way I'm going to let her die. Probably if my grandma tries to leave without me, my heart will spontaneously stop at the same time. We're kindred spirits, and there's no way I'm getting stuck on this earth without her.

Hawk already promised he's going to outlive me so I don't worry about that too much. Dove and Owly are a bit older than me (like by 6 months but still, older), but they're also healthier than me. If I didn't have them around to harass I'd go crazy. My mom is never going to die because she's waaaaay too busy and it's just not in her schedule. Sparrow's gonna be lucky if he lives to see 3...but he will, and he's apparently indestructible so I think we're good on that front.

So there you go. Maybe it's selfish, like I said, but one of these core people in my life dying before I do, that's the scariest thing I can imagine, and I don't ever want to live without them.

30 Days of Truth: Day 5

11 January 2011
Something I hope to do in my life.

I hope to survive my toddler.

Oh what DON'T I hope to do in my life? There are so many things. I want to live in Guatemala for 3 months or more, I want to live in England for at least a year. I want to get my degree. I want to publish a novel. I want to speak fluent Spanish, German and French with a smattering of Greek maybe. I want to run an entire 5K (setting my sights low here people.) I hope to keep my house clean longer than 3 hours. I hope to visit my ancestral home of Sweden.

How about something I hope to do in the next year?

I hope to lose 50 lbs, read 50 books, and save $1000 while still paying down debt. And I hope to potty train Sparrow. That part I hope happens before the end of the month. If I can get my butt in gear and start working on it with him, argh.

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

10 January 2011
Something I have to forgive someone else for.

Hawk, for giving me this horrible cold which turned into another freaking lung infection. Hawk, I will never forget this.

I need to forgive Dove's husband, Dodo, for cruelly ripping her away and taking her to California, and I need to forgive Dove for liking California so much (though I always knew she would, darn it.)

I have been working on forgiving my parents. I think, to some extent, we all have to forgive our parents for not being what we wanted or needed at some point in our life. Yes? No? It's just a theory. I know Sparrow's going to need to forgive me, hopefully only for little things though...

You should never tell a person that they aren't smart enough to do something. Say your teenager wants to be a doctor. You don't tell them that they should go into nursing or be a lawyer because there's too much math involved in getting a medical degree. You say, "that's awesome, how can I help you achieve your goal?" Or, "good for you." Or just be quiet. If the teenager really can't handle that much math, she'll find out when she starts her pre-reqs for medical school and the decision will be her own and then she won't feel like you're telling her she's dumb every time she mentions her dream of doctorhood. Just sayin'.

Also, let's say your kid has been away for 6 months, somewhere like England or something. You shouldn't tell her the week after she gets home that she needs to move out as soon as possible because she's making her younger sister miserable.

Also, at some point every kid is going to feel like you have a favorite child and it's not them, but you can at least try to keep it from being blatantly obvious.

I get that I was a horrible kid, but sheesh. I do love my parents, and I have a great relationship with my mom now that I'm growed-up and have a horrible child of my own, but it was hard when I was a teenager. My parents are not perfect, (neither am I, not by a long shot) and that's what I am working on forgiving.

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

09 January 2011
Ah, something I have to forgive myself for.

I blame myself for a lot of things, even stuff I know REALLY isn't my fault. It's like a reflex with me. I blame myself for my mental issues, for my weird pregnancy that left me unable to have more kids, for my crappy relationships with my siblings, for our debt, for sooo much.

But the biggest thing that I need to forgive myself for is for leaving school. I graduated high school with my Associate's Degree, when I was 17. I earned that degree in a year, and at the completion I realized that now I had to decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was 17. I had NO idea. And I freaked the heck out. I was also struggling with severe depression and social anxiety - I was terrified to actually go to class. And because I couldn't admit to myself or anyone else that I was scared, I didn't officially drop my classes. And so, I lost the scholarship that left my college paying me $150 a semester. I took out a loan the next semester so I could attend study abroad in London, and that was the last time I was in school.


I regret every day of my life that I didn't finish college, that I didn't get my degree in SOMETHING. I could have been a college graduate before I turned 19, but I screwed up. And here I am, 24, with nothing.

And that's what I need to forgive myself for. The most. And I'll let you know if I ever really do.

30 Days of Truth: Day 2

08 January 2011
Something I love about myself:

I love my eyeballs. No really, my eyes are pretty and I am so glad that Sparrow inherited them!

I love my sense of humor. I can turn anything into a joke. I love that I can make people laugh. My favorite is making my mom laugh.

I love that I have goals and desires and that I truly want to achieve them and have plans for doing so (laziness aside of course). I like making lists and breaking my goals down into teeny tiny steps, and I think it makes my goals more achievable.

I love that I am a reading NINJA. I've read 6 books since Wednesday, most of them at 300 pages (except one.) I have plans to read another 2 books today. I love to read and I love the feeling of devouring well written words.

I love my freckles. And my eyelashes. And my eyebrows. And my hands. And my awesomeness. There, that about sums it up.

30 Days of Truth

07 January 2011
Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Laura is making me do this. Actually she's not making me but it sounds better to say that than "I'm bored and my blog is boring so this is what I'm going to do to make it better."

So, day 1.

I dislike.... that I have NO immune system! I get sick constantly. I was a preemie and have always had crappy lungs because of it, and I always have lung infections or allergies or strep throat or other fantastic illnesses.

I dislike that I am lazy. I might be the laziest person in the world. I want to change, but I'm too lazy.

Everything else that I dislike can mostly be attributed to my laziness, so we'll stop there. Because it's a long long list, and I'm too lazy to write it all out.

If you want to follow along with 30 Days of Truth let me know so I can blog-stalk you! (You know, if I don't already!)

This might just be my favorite thing ever.

05 January 2011

What a week.

02 January 2011
How was your Christmas? Did you eat lots of delicious snacks? Did you party hardy? Did you enjoy yourself?

We had a good time. Nana gave Sparrow a Radio Flyer tricycle for Christmas and he loved it. He also loved the wooden stacking train Santa brought him. We sent an email out in November with "toy guidelines," which was awkward but I'm glad I did it. Basically we just asked our relations that if they were planning on buying Sparrow a toy (no pressure to do so at all) to please avoid toys requiring batteries and Disney/cartoon characters. Our family was very good to accommodate us (although Hawk's brother got Sparrow a huge dragon from "How To Train Your Dragon" but that's okay because we love that movie, and Sparrow loves the dragon and I may or may not secretly play with it after he goes to bed.)

Hawk's family gave us an amazing present and flew us to North Carolina for 4 days. We were able to go to Hawk's brothers wedding and spend time with the family. It was very cold, but we had a good time and enjoyed exploring where Hawk grew up (a town of 400 people near Eastern Carolina University.) We ate delicious eastern North Carolinian barbecue and fries from Bojangles (YUM!) and Hawk let me buy a shirt from Cato, a clothing store I love that has high quality clothes for cheap and of course they don't have a location in Utah.

Sparrow was an angel on the airplane which shocked all of us. He even regaled the boarding passengers with the Hallelujah Chorus which is his favorite song right now. We're starting to get sick of it.

We got home on New Year's Eve and are all tired and readjusting to normal life. I'm just proud of myself for actually cooking dinner tonight instead of making the boys fend for themselves or ordering pizza. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.