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30 Days of Truth: Day 3

09 January 2011
Ah, something I have to forgive myself for.

I blame myself for a lot of things, even stuff I know REALLY isn't my fault. It's like a reflex with me. I blame myself for my mental issues, for my weird pregnancy that left me unable to have more kids, for my crappy relationships with my siblings, for our debt, for sooo much.

But the biggest thing that I need to forgive myself for is for leaving school. I graduated high school with my Associate's Degree, when I was 17. I earned that degree in a year, and at the completion I realized that now I had to decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was 17. I had NO idea. And I freaked the heck out. I was also struggling with severe depression and social anxiety - I was terrified to actually go to class. And because I couldn't admit to myself or anyone else that I was scared, I didn't officially drop my classes. And so, I lost the scholarship that left my college paying me $150 a semester. I took out a loan the next semester so I could attend study abroad in London, and that was the last time I was in school.

2005.


I regret every day of my life that I didn't finish college, that I didn't get my degree in SOMETHING. I could have been a college graduate before I turned 19, but I screwed up. And here I am, 24, with nothing.

And that's what I need to forgive myself for. The most. And I'll let you know if I ever really do.

3 comments to 30 Days of Truth: Day 3:

jenontheedge.com said...

Don't beat yourself up over this. You were a teenager and you just didn't know what you were doing.

And it's not too late, it's never too late. When you're ready, sign up for a class or two. You'll get that degree at some point, I know you will.

Stephanie said...

That's true; it's never too late. Look at me :) When you're ready, go back, but don't beat yourself up over it.

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

Haha! We're in the same boat. I felt bad for the first 10 years and then, I just let it go. I realized I am learning every day and to me it doesn't matter if that translate into a college degree or not.

I've been meaning to ask you more questions about getting an associates while in high school. I remember you mentioned your mother helped students with that, right? Could you please e-mail me at chocolateonmycranium {at} live {dot} com so I can pick your brain a little? Thanks!