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30 Days of Truth: Day 26

02 February 2011
Have I ever felt like giving up on life?

Oh lady, so many times. It's kind of a miracle I'm still here, if I really sit down and think about how many times I've felt like giving up. I think the worst time in my life was the summer of 2005. I was 18 and had just gotten home after being in London for 6 months. My family hated my presence and wanted me out of the house and told me so often. I was just reading my journal about this time in my life the other day and let me tell you, it still hurts.

I also had a hard time in the summer of 2006. Summers are not my time sheesh. Hawk was being a jackass and I was having a hard time with him, and I wasn't sure if I was going to continue in the LDS faith, and I felt like everyone disapproved of me...

The most recent near-miss moment was in May of last year. I'll just say that I'm glad I asked Hawk if he had a life insurance policy on me, because he said that he didn't, and I was like "oh, well then forget that idea."

I'll tell you this though - if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing - if I am reading my scriptures, and praying, and really trying to live the gospel, my outlook on life is so much better. I am clinically depressed and will likely be on medication for a long time, if not the rest of my life. If I'm not going to church or working on my spirituality, my depression is so much worse. The only way I can even keep my head above water is by following my faith. If I'm "being good," I sometimes still have fleeting thoughts, but they are just that - fleeting. If I'm not being good, I find it much much harder to have a healthy mentality. I've always thought that was interesting. It's one reason I believe in the LDS Church so strongly - I have tried other religions, other faiths, and I struggled immensely until I went back to Mormonism.

Believe what you want, but my faith has saved my life.

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