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Official Notice

28 February 2011
Dear Weather:

In case you have not noticed, in about one hour it will be March. Therefore and thusly, get your wintery butt out of my state and start spreading the warm sunshiney love.

Thanks.

Comedy of Errors

22 February 2011
You know, when stuff gets really bad, and it all seems to happen at once.... it makes me giggle. Because what else can I do?

If one thing goes wrong, I rail and shake my fist and am mad. But if 3+ things happen, it's hilarious. And only if it happens to me, so nobody worry that I laugh at misfortune. It is... misfortunate.

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment with my OBGYN. If you'll remember, I had a tubal ligation in August 2009. Well, ever since then I have had cramps. Bad cramps, like, scoop your uterus out with a spoon because that would be preferable to the pain cramps. I take a prescription painkiller daily because of them, but I'd rather just be off the meds and off the cramping. I've been trying to get a doctor to listen to me for 2 years about this, and finally someone did. I did an ultrasound to rule out anything dangerous -

- and as an aside, according to the ultrasound technician I have "beautiful ovaries. Just gorgeous. Those ovaries are absolutely beautiful." That's a compliment I've never heard before, but I'll take what I can get.

Anyway, the ultrasound showed nothing, and the doctor was worried about that. She says the likely culprit of the pain is scar tissue, and my options are either do nothing, or have another surgery. I can either do another tubal-like surgery, where it's an outpatient thing, but then the scar tissue might grow back. Or I can do a hysterectomy. I'm leaning toward the latter, because bleeding monthly is really depressing when you can't have any more babies anyway.

So after that thrilling visit, I took Sparrow to the mall because my phone had been having issues during the weekend. Another aside. This phone is a model I had back in 2005. It is my favorite phone of all time, and I have owned about 7 models. I specifically went on eBay searching for this phone and found one in great condition and bought it, it has worked great since November.

So I take it to T-Mobile, and the guy says "it's probably the SIM card so let's switch you to a new one and you will be good." Hooray! So he switches my SIM card, gets my data erased on the old one... and... my phone won't open. It says it is locked and needs a code. To his credit, T-Mobile man tried everything to get it to open, including spending 30 minutes on the phone with Customer Care and Nokia. At this point, I had to leave, but T-Mobile man said he would keep working on it and I said I would be back in an hour.

I was very late for a party honoring Sparrow, with no way of calling my mom and letting her know what was going on. And I didn't know for sure where this party was being held. I wish I could have counted how many times I thought "I can call Mom/Hawk...oh wait, no phone."

I made it to the party, miraculously, and told everyone the sad story of my dead phone. They all thought it was amusing. Rude. My mom offered to watch Sparrow while I went back to the store, so I took her up on it.

T-Mobile man informed me that because my phone is so "old," it can't support new SIM cards. They don't make the old ones anymore. So now my beloved favorite phone of all time is dead beyond ...life. I could have cried. Currently I am not under contract with T-Mobile, and I didn't want to sign anything without Hawk, so T-Mobile man gave me an old store-owned flip phone to borrow for a week or so. I hate it.

I went to Verizon and waited an hour for them to tell me that it would cost $90 a month for their cheapest plan as opposed to T-Mobile's $50. I'm going with T-Mobile.

After the stressful day, I decided I had to go to Krispy Kreme. There's one in Provo where my mom lives, and that's where I was anyway, plus I had 3 coupons for free donuts. So I picked up Sparrow and we went to Krispy Kreme's and the hot light was on, meaning free donuts with every purchase! Hooray!

45 minutes later we finally made it out of Krispy Kreme. That was a nightmare, and I should have just left, but I was desperate for my sugar fix.

We got home around 8 p.m. Poor Hawk was at work till then too. Sparrow went to bed, I nibbled the donuts (which turned out to be YUCKY and STALE), threw them away, and went to console myself with Zuma Blitz on Facebook, only to discover--

my [computer] mouse is dead.

When it rains, it pours. And I laugh till I cry.

RIP Little Nokia Phone. You will be sorely missed.


This kid cracks me up. Also, so does this cat.

16 February 2011
Here is Bamboo's favorite cat trick. He usually only does it if I am snapping and moving my fingers (like I do in the video) but sometimes he'll decide he wants up and jump on me. I'm lucky if I can catch him on those surprise attacks...sometimes it ends painfully.






He just started singing this yesterday. It took me a minute to figure it out, but I got it. Oh The Lion King, staple of my youth, the torch has now been passed. Carry it well, young Sparrow.

Schedules and the lack thereof

10 February 2011
I have been trying to get on a decent schedule. Basically right now, Sparrow and I sit around the house all day and by the time Hawk gets home we are all at each others' throats. It does not go well. I would like to fix this.

Last week I started going to bed early (for me.) Like, at 11. Sometimes 10:30. I woke up for 4 days in a row at 7 a.m. It was fabulous. Sparrow was just waking up, but would mostly lie in bed not making any noise, so I could shower and do my morning scripture study and prayer. I prayed a lot to not kill Sparrow and to be able to make it through the day. It worked.

Then the weekend happened. I was STUPID and I stayed up til 4 a.m. on Friday night and till 2 a.m. on Saturday night. Now I am back to going to bed early (ish) - last night I didn't make it till midnight - but I can't for the life of me wake up. I am tired all the time. I wake up around 10 and I drag through the rest of the day, longing for sleep, until it gets to be about 9:45 and then ZING! I am so totally awake! I never have to go to bed! Sleep? Lame.

No. I do not want to be this way. My whole life I have been a night owl. I don't want to be. Sure, studies say that night owls are smarter and live longer, but the world is made for morning people. My kid is a morning person. I want to be able to get up at 6:30, shower, study my scriptures for a half hour, study something else important to me for a half hour, get ready for the day, etc. I want to have quiet time before Sparrow starts haranguing me. Here's hoping that if I am consistent about going to bed earlier, I will start to wake up earlier too. Please?

Also, Sparrow and I are joining a gym next week. I am excited, but nervous. I don't really want to spend the money, but I think we need to for a number of reasons. Ready?
  • I will get exercise in at least 3 times a week (theoretically)
  • The gym has childcare, meaning I can have up to 2.5 hours to myself 6 days a week
  • The gym offers martial arts classes, something I have always been interested in
  • The gym also offers water aerobics, which I want to try (and water yoga, and water running, and all sorts of water sports)
  • AND this gym offers swimming lessons and Mommy and Me water fitness classes. So Sparrow can take classes with me!


And this gym is closer to our house, it will get us out of the house without going somewhere lame like the mall, Sparrow will get to interact with other kids on a daily basis instead of sporadically, we will get to see how he interacts with other people in authority positions... because Sparrow has been super, super defiant lately. Like, I am going to mail you to Bali and I hope I don't see you again till you are nice defiant. It's been bad. Hawk and I are both a little concerned, so we figured we'd start out with this gym daycare and see how he does. Truly I think Sparrow just knows how to tick us off, and he'll do well with other adults in charge, but I'm not sure. So we'll see how this works out.

After I get my mornings going, I will work on a daily routine. Routines are awesome. I want one. I have a lot of stuff to do and no time to do it. Wait, no, I have lots of time, I'm just not motivated enough. dang it.

30 Days of Truth: Day 29 and 30

08 February 2011
Finally I will be done with this horrible thing. I should have chosen a better time to do it - I have lots of blog-catching up to do.

Day 29 is pick something you want to change about yourself. We'll forgo the obvious "I want to change my weight" and say, I want to change my allergies. I am sick of being allergic to healthy things. I bought 36 lbs of apples at our co-op the other day and turns out my allergies caught up to me and I am now allergic to this type of apple. It is a bummer. I am still eating them, it's just uncomfortable to do so. When my throat starts closing up I'll stop.

Day 30 is write a letter to yourself about things you love about yourself.

Dear Self,

I like that you are finally figuring out that if you go to bed earlier, you get to wake up earlier. Way to go! I like that you have a unique sense of humor that makes people giggle. Making people laugh is the bomb dot com. I like that you can make a joke out of everything - even when you are mad or upset or depressed, you can make it a joke and it gets better a little. I like that you are intelligent and that you can read crazy fast. I love that you used to write amazing things and I wish you would start doing that again. I love that you are relatively adaptable. I love your kid and how cute he is. I love that you are determined to change certain aspects of yourself. I love your evil laugh. I love your eyeballs. I love your cute thumbs. I love that you're not afraid to rock a crazy short hair cut. I love that you have dreams and goals and are actively going about achieving them. I love that you feel inspired so often. I love that you are finally done with this 30 Days of Truth!

30 Days of Truth: Day 27 and 28

05 February 2011
The best thing I have going for me right now. What does this even mean? This question puzzles me. I have my little family, but they're not "going for me." Am I being too literal? Hmm. I think the best thing I have going for me is my determination. I may not always have the follow-through (ie I am lazy) but I am determined to ... do stuff. I'm determined to improve as a parent. I'm determined to get on a normal sleep schedule. I'm determined to go back to school and get my degree. I'm determined to go back to Europe someday. I'm determined to get us out of debt. I'm determined not to kill my child and to raise him to be a productive human being who does not torment his mother at every turn SPARROW ARE YOU LISTENING?! I'M DETERMINED TO NOT KILL YOU STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Day 28. If I got pregnant right now I would pee my pants. Probably literally as I really had a problem with that the first time around. I threw up a lot and when you're pregnant you have no bladder control so you can imagine the mess that was. I would also probably throw up. Then I would squee, rejoice, say happy thank you prayers, get really excited, cry (happiness and fear both), get monitored very carefully by the doctor, cry a lot more, buy tons and tons and tons of baby things and drive Hawk crazy with how much money I spend, spend all my time thinking about baby names, and if I was pregnant with a girl... oh. I would likely bankrupt us. Have I mentioned Gymboree's newborn giraffe line? (Seriously, go look at those clothes.) I would have killed for that when Sparrow was a newborn. I still might have to buy the hooded jacket, just to save for when Sparrow has kids. If I'm still around then. Since he drives me so crazy and all.

If I got someone else pregnant, that would be awesome. I hope it would be Hawk. Then he could SUFFER like I did for 7 months. Love you Hawk. Thanks for taking such good care of me. But I'd rather you deal with being pregnant and I'll take care of the baby. Sounds good.

30 Days of Truth: Day 26

02 February 2011
Have I ever felt like giving up on life?

Oh lady, so many times. It's kind of a miracle I'm still here, if I really sit down and think about how many times I've felt like giving up. I think the worst time in my life was the summer of 2005. I was 18 and had just gotten home after being in London for 6 months. My family hated my presence and wanted me out of the house and told me so often. I was just reading my journal about this time in my life the other day and let me tell you, it still hurts.

I also had a hard time in the summer of 2006. Summers are not my time sheesh. Hawk was being a jackass and I was having a hard time with him, and I wasn't sure if I was going to continue in the LDS faith, and I felt like everyone disapproved of me...

The most recent near-miss moment was in May of last year. I'll just say that I'm glad I asked Hawk if he had a life insurance policy on me, because he said that he didn't, and I was like "oh, well then forget that idea."

I'll tell you this though - if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing - if I am reading my scriptures, and praying, and really trying to live the gospel, my outlook on life is so much better. I am clinically depressed and will likely be on medication for a long time, if not the rest of my life. If I'm not going to church or working on my spirituality, my depression is so much worse. The only way I can even keep my head above water is by following my faith. If I'm "being good," I sometimes still have fleeting thoughts, but they are just that - fleeting. If I'm not being good, I find it much much harder to have a healthy mentality. I've always thought that was interesting. It's one reason I believe in the LDS Church so strongly - I have tried other religions, other faiths, and I struggled immensely until I went back to Mormonism.

Believe what you want, but my faith has saved my life.

30 Days of Truth: Day 25

01 February 2011
A reason I am still alive.

Um, because I have something big that only I can do that God wants me to do. Really that's the only way I can explain it. I should so not be here. I was born dead (I got better! How many people can say they've died before?), it was 6 weeks before I made it out of the hospital and my lungs have been junk ever since. Had I been born in any other century I would have been screwed both at birth and now - I am legally blind without my glasses. Yikes. Oh and then I was in the hospital every year until I was 12 for being accident and illness prone - I got strep throat 4 times a year till I was 6 and got my tonsils out. I lived on antibiotics as a kid but I am allergic to penicillin and two other very important antibiotics, so it was always a scramble trying to get me treated.

And then of course the whole pregnancy saga, and my heart failure and liver failure and generalized body failure (I was just remembering this morning that I had to be intubated when I was in the hospital with Toby. I had forgotten that little gem.) And how I am always sick and have gotten pneumonia/lung infections 4 times in the last year. And allergies - I'm allergic to most raw fruits and veggies in addition to 37 types of trees/grasses/stuff and animals.

So yeah. The only reason I am still here is because I haven't finished what God needs me to get taken care of down here. As soon as I finish that up I figure I will drop dead. It'll be a long time overdue but I'm not complaining. Every minute I spend on this earth is one more minute I get to eat chocolate. Yum.