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The time my grandma tried to get me arrested

07 February 2012
I love my grandma to death but sometimes I want to strangle her. Out of love. For example, she is not an old woman, she is only in her mid 60s. That is crazy young! And yet my mom, sister and I have been trying for twelve years to teach her how to use a computer. TWELVE YEARS. She still has no idea what "copy and paste" is. It makes me cry. And she still uses dial-up Internet. I bet you didn't even know they still did dial-up. Then she complains about how slow it is, but when we try to get her to upgrade she doesn't want to pay for it because she doesn't use it. But she doesn't use it because she hates waiting for sites to load. It's a never ending circle with this woman.

The other thing that drives me a little crazy is her hoarding. She doesn't hoard normal things, like cats or rubberbands or eyelashes. My grandma hoards medicine. Vitamins, pills, pills she no longer uses, pills that expired years ago, etc. They are all very neatly organized and her house is spotless, but every once in a while I go through her medicine box just for shock value.

"What the heck are you doing with this full bottle of painkiller?!" I yell.

"Oh, my doctor gave me that after I fell down the stairs and bruised my leg really bad and couldn't walk for a while."

"Do you realize it's full?"

"Yeah, I never took any."

"And do you realize it expired THREE YEARS AGO?"

"It's still good, don't throw it away."

AHHHH.

So back in August we had this conversation. I took the bottle and I threw it away because it expired THREE YEARS AGO. Three! THREE YEARS! You can't take expired medication! It is BAD.

We went to visit Grandma a week ago and while I was there I took a peek at her drugs. She recently had knee replacement surgery and has been in pain, so I checked to make sure she was using the right stuff. Surprise surprise - she had a bottle of Ibuprofen 800 that expired three years ago. And I KNEW she had a brand new bottle in her medicine cabinet. So I pulled out the new bottle. I made her smell the difference. The old pills smelled like rotten eggs. The new pills gave off no scent.

"Maybe the reason I'm still hurting is because my medicine is so old it doesn't work," she says.

YOU THINK!?

So I take the old bottle of Ibuprofen and (after making Hawk smell it and freak out together over the oldness) throw it away.

Well, a few days ago I get a call from my mom. "Give Grandma her Lortab (i.e., hydrococodone, i.e., narcotic painkiller)," she says.

Wait, what?

"Grandma said you took her Lortab."

Oh no she didn't. I explain to my mom that I took the three year old expired Ibuprofen and left the Lortab there on the counter just for her, with the top loosened and everything because childproof caps are often grandma-proof caps.

"Well, your grandma called your aunt and told her you took her Lortab, and now your aunt is freaking out about it." And from the sound of it, Mom was freaking out too.

So then I had to call my grandma and explain to her that I did not take her narcotics. And then I had to very carefully explain that she can't go around telling people I took her drugs because then I will get arrested.

And that is why my family now thinks I am a drug addict. Who steals from old ladies.

Thanks grandma.

7 comments to The time my grandma tried to get me arrested:

Katie said...

Wait, are you saying I can't use my 3-year-old ibuprofen?! Great!

ReederDa said...

Dial-up Internet? THE HORROR. :D

K La said...

Giggle giggle.

Kami said...

Actually, you CAN take expired medication (well, some) it's just less effective. So said my doctor uncle when we called him to ask about expired Ibuprofen. You might have to take 3 instead of 2 to get the same effects, and you probably still don't want to overdose. ;)

We are cheap and didn't want to buy more if we didn't have to.

But expired prescription narcotic drugs ... ? Baaaaad. There's a reason why they encourage old people to bring in their old medications and dispose of it. O____O

AUGH OLD PEOPLE.

Kestrel said...

Yes, you can technically take expired medication without dying. But if it smells bad, throw it out! And seriously, this stuff, you could smell it from a mile away. It was bad.

I love my grandma. She cracks me up. But one of the reasons she's so weird is probably because she keeps taking very very old medications.

Charlotte said...

Yikes! There's a big difference between throwing out expired ibuprofen and helping yourself to Lortabs!

FotoFly said...

This made my day! I haven't laughed this hard all week. My mom and grandmother were both nurses and you wouldn't believe the boxes of pills we found after my grandmother died. My mom could open up her own pharmacy.