The other thing that drives me a little crazy is her hoarding. She doesn't hoard normal things, like cats or rubberbands or eyelashes. My grandma hoards medicine. Vitamins, pills, pills she no longer uses, pills that expired years ago, etc. They are all very neatly organized and her house is spotless, but every once in a while I go through her medicine box just for shock value.
"What the heck are you doing with this full bottle of painkiller?!" I yell.
"Oh, my doctor gave me that after I fell down the stairs and bruised my leg really bad and couldn't walk for a while."
"Do you realize it's full?"
"Yeah, I never took any."
"And do you realize it expired THREE YEARS AGO?"
"It's still good, don't throw it away."
So back in August we had this conversation. I took the bottle and I threw it away because it expired THREE YEARS AGO. Three! THREE YEARS! You can't take expired medication! It is BAD.
We went to visit Grandma a week ago and while I was there I took a peek at her drugs. She recently had knee replacement surgery and has been in pain, so I checked to make sure she was using the right stuff. Surprise surprise - she had a bottle of Ibuprofen 800 that expired three years ago. And I KNEW she had a brand new bottle in her medicine cabinet. So I pulled out the new bottle. I made her smell the difference. The old pills smelled like rotten eggs. The new pills gave off no scent.
"Maybe the reason I'm still hurting is because my medicine is so old it doesn't work," she says.
So I take the old bottle of Ibuprofen and (after making Hawk smell it and freak out together over the oldness) throw it away.
Well, a few days ago I get a call from my mom. "Give Grandma her Lortab (i.e., hydrococodone, i.e., narcotic painkiller)," she says.
"Grandma said you took her Lortab."
Oh no she didn't. I explain to my mom that I took the three year old expired Ibuprofen and left the Lortab there on the counter just for her, with the top loosened and everything because childproof caps are often grandma-proof caps.
"Well, your grandma called your aunt and told her you took her Lortab, and now your aunt is freaking out about it." And from the sound of it, Mom was freaking out too.
So then I had to call my grandma and explain to her that I did not take her narcotics. And then I had to very carefully explain that she can't go around telling people I took her drugs because then I will get arrested.
And that is why my family now thinks I am a drug addict. Who steals from old ladies.