I have an announcement to make. After 5.5 years of marriage, Hawk and I are finally ready to go to the temple to be sealed together as husband and wife for eternity. Shortly afterward, we will be sealed to Sparrow, and we will finally be a Forever Family.
We were married on 12-6-06 and we will be sealed 6-6-12. It took some convincing (of family members) to get this date to pass the gauntlet, but we kind of put our feet down, because it just seems perfect. We chose to be sealed in the Draper, Utah temple as we have lived in Draper for 3 years and this place is very special to us. Sparrow has always been interested in temples, and by interested I mean obsessed, so when he learns we get to go inside one he is going to die of happiness. He has actually been inside the Draper temple before. We visited it before it was dedicated as a temple, back when it was open to the public in 2009. I believe he left some Cheerios behind as a token of his appreciation.
It doesn't seem quite real yet to me. This is something we have worked for for a long time, and I not necessarily gave up, but just kind of quit hoping for it to happen, since it was taking so long. We realized at the beginning of May that our sealing in June was a possibility, and then we started pushing for it to happen.
And as we pushed toward our goal, Satan pushed right back.
I want to testify that Satan is real. He is real, and he is evil. He wants nothing more than for each and every person to be miserable. He has declared war on the institution of family, and he is succeeding.
He nearly succeeded in the war against us. Two weeks ago, I was so angry and frustrated. Sparrow is a hard child and that day had been super hard with him arguing and whining and fighting me constantly. I was trying to get our moving orchestrated, trying to deal with my own tiny little stresses and insecurities as well as my very real grief and pain at losing our home and the area that I grew to love with all my heart. Sparrow was being extra bad. And I finally snapped. I spanked him and I yelled hurtful things at him and he cried even harder.
I went into the bathroom and I cried, too. I cried as I screamed angry prayers. Why, God? You told me you wouldn't give me more than I could handle. Lord, I have passed 'able to handle' months ago. I don't know what I am doing with this kid. I don't know what I am doing as a parent. Please, please take him away from me. Let him go to a mommy who knows what she is doing. Or take me away. Hawk and Sparrow would be fine on their own. I just need help, Lord. I cannot do this. I just can't. I am giving you one month, God, and if in one month things aren't better, I am leaving. I quit my family, I quit the church, I quit life. Fix me. Fix me so I can handle this stuff, or else let me die.
I went back into the house, feeling a little better. And Sparrow was worse. I screamed more angry words and sent him to his room.
And I went downstairs and out to the car to get a pocketknife.
Most of my readers know that I used to engage in self-harm. As a teenager and young adult, I would cut myself to relieve pressure and hurt that I was feeling in my life. I quit cutting in 2006, but I still struggle with those feelings sometimes, and that day I was ready to cut again and feel that relief.
As I opened the car door, a letter fell out. I picked it up. It was the letter from the temple, confirming our sealing date.
And in that moment, I had this thought come to me: Satan is doing his very hardest to keep you from being sealed. It has always been that way. He succeeded in keeping us out of the temple in 2006, and he is frustrated that we continue to go against what he wants. He doesn't want us to be an eternal family. He doesn't want us to go to the temple and do the holy work that we do there.
And I will tell you, today was once again, very hard. But the rest of this month have been surprisingly low key, with Sparrow at least. I have felt relief, felt myself given an extra measure of love and patience at times. I still know the Lord won't push me to take on more than I can handle, but I also think he overestimates me a LOT!
But you know who underestatimes me? Satan. Satan, you can SUCK IT. I am going to the temple and I am taking my family there. And there is nothing you can do that will stop us. We are tired of listening to you, of following your ways of lies and disobedience and darkness. We choose the light. We will become a temple worthy family and we will be sealed with the Priesthood power, and there is nothing you can do about.
Honestly, I felt for a long time that Satan was a mob boss who'd ordered a hit on me.
But tomorrow morning, he will have lost the battle to keep me out of the temple. Because tomorrow I am going to the Bountiful temple to receive my endowment and make holy covenants with my Lord and God. I am so excited go to through and to take on this next level of responsibility and service in the gospel. I'm a little nervous, too, but Hawk says I will be okay. Hawk went through the temple for the first time back in 2002 in preparation for his mission, so he knows what he's doing. I guess.
I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm very relieved. I can't wait for tomorrow, and I can't wait for Wednesday. Forever Family! That will be us!
And nothing Satan can do will hold me back now.