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A very LDS post, i.e., we're going to the temple!

01 June 2012
Oh my dear blogging friends. I have so much to catch up on. April and May have been busier than any months I have ever experienced before, and June is looking just as nutty.

I have an announcement to make. After 5.5 years of marriage, Hawk and I are finally ready to go to the temple to be sealed together as husband and wife for eternity. Shortly afterward, we will be sealed to Sparrow, and we will finally be a Forever Family.

We were married on 12-6-06 and we will be sealed 6-6-12. It took some convincing (of family members) to get this date to pass the gauntlet, but we kind of put our feet down, because it just seems perfect. We chose to be sealed in the Draper, Utah temple as we have lived in Draper for 3 years and this place is very special to us. Sparrow has always been interested in temples, and by interested I mean obsessed, so when he learns we get to go inside one he is going to die of happiness. He has actually been inside the Draper temple before. We visited it before it was dedicated as a temple, back when it was open to the public in 2009. I believe he left some Cheerios behind as a token of his appreciation.

It doesn't seem quite real yet to me. This is something we have worked for for a long time, and I not necessarily gave up, but just kind of quit hoping for it to happen, since it was taking so long. We realized at the beginning of May that our sealing in June was a possibility, and then we started pushing for it to happen.

And as we pushed toward our goal, Satan pushed right back.

I want to testify that Satan is real. He is real, and he is evil. He wants nothing more than for each and every person to be miserable. He has declared war on the institution of family, and he is succeeding.

He nearly succeeded in the war against us. Two weeks ago, I was so angry and frustrated. Sparrow is a hard child and that day had been super hard with him arguing and whining and fighting me constantly. I was trying to get our moving orchestrated, trying to deal with my own tiny little stresses and insecurities as well as my very real grief and pain at losing our home and the area that I grew to love with all my heart. Sparrow was being extra bad. And I finally snapped. I spanked him and I yelled hurtful things at him and he cried even harder.

I went into the bathroom and I cried, too. I cried as I screamed angry prayers. Why, God? You told me you wouldn't give me more than I could handle. Lord, I have passed 'able to handle' months ago. I don't know what I am doing with this kid. I don't know what I am doing as a parent. Please, please take him away from me. Let him go to a mommy who knows what she is doing. Or take me away. Hawk and Sparrow would be fine on their own. I just need help, Lord. I cannot do this. I just can't. I am giving you one month, God, and if in one month things aren't better, I am leaving. I quit my family, I quit the church, I quit life. Fix me. Fix me so I can handle this stuff, or else let me die.

I went back into the house, feeling a little better. And Sparrow was worse. I screamed more angry words and sent him to his room.

And I went downstairs and out to the car to get a pocketknife.

Most of my readers know that I used to engage in self-harm. As a teenager and young adult, I would cut myself to relieve pressure and hurt that I was feeling in my life. I quit cutting in 2006, but I still struggle with those feelings sometimes, and that day I was ready to cut again and feel that relief.

As I opened the car door, a letter fell out. I picked it up. It was the letter from the temple, confirming our sealing date.

And in that moment, I had this thought come to me: Satan is doing his very hardest to keep you from being sealed. It has always been that way. He succeeded in keeping us out of the temple in 2006, and he is frustrated that we continue to go against what he wants. He doesn't want us to be an eternal family. He doesn't want us to go to the temple and do the holy work that we do there.

And I will tell you, today was once again, very hard. But the rest of this month have been surprisingly low key, with Sparrow at least. I have felt relief, felt myself given an extra measure of love and patience at times. I still know the Lord won't push me to take on more than I can handle, but I also think he overestimates me a LOT!

But you know who underestatimes me? Satan. Satan, you can SUCK IT. I am going to the temple and I am taking my family there. And there is nothing you can do that will stop us. We are tired of listening to you, of following your ways of lies and disobedience and darkness. We choose the light. We will become a temple worthy family and we will be sealed with the Priesthood power, and there is nothing you can do about.

Honestly, I felt for a long time that Satan was a mob boss who'd ordered a hit on me.

But tomorrow morning, he will have lost the battle to keep me out of the temple. Because tomorrow I am going to the Bountiful temple to receive my endowment and make holy covenants with my Lord and God. I am so excited go to through and to take on this next level of responsibility and service in the gospel. I'm a little nervous, too, but Hawk says I will be okay. Hawk went through the temple for the first time back in 2002 in preparation for his mission, so he knows what he's doing. I guess.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm very relieved. I can't wait for tomorrow, and I can't wait for Wednesday. Forever Family! That will be us!

And nothing Satan can do will hold me back now.

9 comments to A very LDS post, i.e., we're going to the temple!:

Bethany said...

Yay you! I agree, Satan can suck it. You show him who's boss. Congrats on going to the temple!

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

Hooray! What a wonderful goal to have met head on. Through everything it will all be worth it. Congrats and have a beautiful day today and Wednesday.

~Kimi~ said...

The four months before I got married, aka went through the temple, were extremely difficult, too. Satan hates the temple, and you are so right, he doesn't want anybody to get there. I'm so happy that you are making it happen!

K La said...

I love this post. You are amazing, I hope you know that.
Yesterday was wonderful. I can't wait until Wednesday!!

Kourtne said...

I love the honesty in this post. I'm excited for you guys!! Have a wonderful week!

Mrs. Small House said...

Satan is VERY real and he really doesn't want me to be the primary president either. Wow! This was a hard month!
He will try very hard to keep you from going back now. It happened to me so don't DON'T let it happen to you. Please keep going :) Praying for your family!!!

Amy said...

You're amazing Kris! I feel sad that I didn't get to chat with you yesterday cause I wanted to tell you congratulations! What a wonderful week for your family. I just can't wait to hear about Toby's experience in the temple. He is going to be the cutest boy in there ever!

Heather said...

Your post was so honest -- and totally TRUE. Thank you for being willing to share something so personal.

For part of 2009 and all of 2010 (when I was working through extreme anxiety and it was kicking my trash), I kept this quote from Joseph Smith on my fridge: "When I do the best I can--when I am accomplishing the greatest good, then the most evils are got up against me." I had to keep reminding myself what an important job I was doing as a mother and it only made sense that Satan would kick me the hardest during this season of my life. I personally think women (single, married, children or no children) are being tried so hard by the adversary because of the important work we are doing and the righteous influence we can have.

You are doing good things and the fact that you're hanging in there when it gets tough says so much about your character! Congrats again for getting your family to the temple.

Holly said...

Ok, so I know this post is kinda old, but congrats on making it to the temple! Way to go not letting Satan keep you from your goal.