I doubt I was the only child who feared growing up, but I sure felt like it. While all of my friends were obsessed with the thought of boyfriends, high school, driving... I was busy playing with my ponies. Each birthday brought me to tears. On my tenth birthday, I was near hysterical at being a "double digit." Birthdays should be fun and happy, but for me they were always a reminder of how I was aging; I was running out of time to be a kid. Soon adulthood would be upon me, and then what?
Here I sit at 27 years old. I am, by all appearances, a real live grown up. My heart breaks for the little girl I used to be, because no matter how hard she fights, no matter how hard she prays for a vampire to bite her so she can stay young forever (yeah, true story), it's not gonna happen. Time marches inevitably on. Sorry, little Krisling. Stop obsessing and enjoy the time you have left.
But let me tell you a little secret. Even though I look like an adult, and sometimes I can even sound like an adult, I am not an adult. Inside, I am still a confused, befuddled 14 year old who just wants to be left alone to read. Most of my days are a battle with myself to make me get out and do something when really I just want to sit at home and hide.
Sparrow helps. He helps a lot. He distracts me and keeps me from thinking about all the scary adult things. I used to have panic attacks in grocery stores, but now when I take him with me, I focus on him and no more panic attacks. Whew.
I remember when I first met him in the hospital. He was 3 days old. The pediatrician came in and started talking about the tests they were doing and lots of medical stuff and I immediately tuned him out. Then I thought "um, I'm a parent now. I should probably be paying attention to this."
Yeah, a lot of my life is like that. I am so lucky to have Hawk in my life. Hawk is a REAL adult. Hawk knows how to listen and how to have an attention span even when things are boring. Usually I let Hawk listen and fill me in on the important stuff later. Sometimes this backfires, but it usually works out. It's a decent enough system.
Because here's another secret: I get too worked up over things I can't control. This week has seen us slammed with a series of tiny injustices. One after another after another. I decided to try and handle it, because Hawk is already so busy with work and keeping us alive. So I started taking care of it on Monday, and by Tuesday I could think of nothing else except getting this fixed. Guess what? The other party has absolutely zero interest in getting this fixed. No matter what I do, I am going to lose this battle. And it makes me fight harder, and it pisses me off, and it's all I can think about. And I can't turn it off, and it goes around and around and I can't make it stop.
This is why I don't get involved in politics. This is why I don't do online debates, why I don't often post about Serious Business on my blog. I can't turn it off. Once I engage and get into a topic, I want to fix everything about it. And when I can't fix it, and fix it quickly, my soul feels crushed.
Right now I feel like my soul is one of these:
A tiny little crushed garbage cube.
I can't make the injustices go away. And I can't just flip this part of my personality off. So instead I try to hide from the world and ignore the bad things. Problems in the Middle East? Bummer, let's get cake. Election year is coming up? Sweet, I'm moving to Antarctica till November. Apocalypse is nigh? I hope I die in the first five seconds so I don't have to deal with it.
It seems that my obsessive fear of adulthood has grown with me. I can no longer fear adulthood like I once did, so instead I fear all the grown up problems around me.
Oh little Krisling, you knew adulthood would suck. You tried to warn me. You were so right, little Krisling. Adulthood is the worst.
I want my mommy.