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Things from the heart.

19 August 2014
Tomorrow I am having surgery.  It's just a laparoscopic exploratory surgery, so nothing major.  But this will be the 9th surgery I have had, and the 4th I have had while in my 20s.  This is kind of routine for me, so I'm not technically afraid, but I am nervous.

Watching Sparrow has broken my heart.  He is terrified for me.  He is so scared and I don't know how to fix it.  I have explained that it will be okay, that the doctor is trying to help me.  I tell him that the doctor is going to fix the owie in my tummy, and that once he fixes it I will be able to play with him more and not be so tired and hurting.

I am afraid that I am lying.  I am afraid that I will always be broken; that I will always be in pain.  I am afraid that the surgery won't help, or that it will help but I will have to have it again in a few years.  I am afraid that the doctor will take my ovary out and I will only have one left.  I hate this ovary that seems to cause me pain, but I don't want it to be taken out.

Sparrow asked me today why he doesn't have any brothers.  My heart stopped for a moment.  I explained that my body couldn't have any more babies and that Hawk and I had prayed about it and decided that Sparrow was our family.  But then today I talked to Hawk... and both of us want another baby.  And I still have ovaries, so...

Sparrow starts first grade (!!!!!) on Thursday.  I will be out of commission for his first day of real school.  I am terrified for him.  He is brilliant, but he is innocent.  He is going to a real school, not a developmental school anymore.  There will be kids that are mean and kids that teach him bad things.  How do I counteract those things?  How do I protect his so innocent heart?  I look at him and I can't believe how sweet and innocent he is.  He doesn't understand normal kid behavior.  The other day a kid called him a name and Sparrow retaliated only because he thought the other kid was playing with him.  And when the kids exclude him on purpose, he is so confused and sad.  I want to protect his innocence, but I don't know how.

I'm confused lately.  I'm starting school on 2 September, and I don't know what I want to major in and I don't know what my classes are (I'm registered but the only class I remember is German 101.)  Why am I going to school?  I may never be able to hold down a real job, with all the health issues I have.  My degree is a dream I have always had... but will it be useless once I get it?

Hawk gave me a blessing tonight.  He blessed me that if I follow the directions of my doctors and follow the Word of Wisdom, I will have a body that is clean, clear, and full of light.

That is my dream.  I want that body.  I want a body that is clear and clean and can function.  I want to be able to play with Sparrow without getting tired.  I want to spend days cleaning, working, playing.  Not lying on the couch and trying to sleep so I can escape from the pain for a few hours.  I hate who I have become because of this pain.  I hate that Sparrow has learned to play by himself because he knows I will say no if he asks me to play with him.  I hate that we have completed almost nothing on my Summer Plans list.

I dream of that body - the one that is pain free, strong, and clean.  I will do all I can to receive that body.  But in the meantime, this pain is ruining me.  It is ruining who I am and who I want to become.

I am not afraid, but I am nervous.  My heart is aching for so many things.

I just want Sparrow to be okay, and I want Hawk to be okay, and I want me to be okay.  I just want to be okay.

I'm prone to wander, Lord; I feel it.  Take my heart - O, take and seal it - seal it for Thy courts above.  

3 comments to Things from the heart. :

Allison said...

There was a book recommended to me by a friend called "Why Does Mommy Hurt?". I haven't had a chance to actually get a copy and read it yet, but perhaps it could help you explain to Sparrow...? It's hard being a chronic mom...

I hope your surgery and recovery go smoothly.

Bethany said...

I so understand wanting to protect your son's innocence. Jeffy is a very sweet, sensitive boy and there's this punk at school that keeps messing with him. He got Jeffy to give him two angry bird toys (which he probably shouldn't have had at school anyway, but that's a different topic), saying that he would give them back, and never did. Those little things were really precious to Jeffy and he still thinks this kid is going to return them. Then yesterday Jeffy took a dollar to school to buy an ice cream at lunch and this kid made Jeffy give it to him and he bought an ice cream instead. He told Jeffy he would bring a special marble to his house yesterday if he gave him the dollar. So I am mad. I told Jeffy to never give anything to this kid again, and that it's ok to say no. When I asked him why he gave away his stuff, he said he wanted to make his friend happy. So much for a friend. I emailed his teacher and hopefully we can get it to stop. It's not like he's being beaten up or anything, but this kid is definitely taking advantage of him and I want it to stop. Being a parent is tricky.

Anyways, good luck with your surgery. I hope it goes well and you get some relief! It is for endometriosis? My sister's doctor thinks she has that too. And her pain is tremendous. If that's what's going on, it's amazing you can get off the couch at all! Prayers for you and your family.

K La said...

So...??!!! So what? You can't end there!!!!!!!!

What a beautiful blessing. What an incredible promise.