Watching Sparrow has broken my heart. He is terrified for me. He is so scared and I don't know how to fix it. I have explained that it will be okay, that the doctor is trying to help me. I tell him that the doctor is going to fix the owie in my tummy, and that once he fixes it I will be able to play with him more and not be so tired and hurting.
I am afraid that I am lying. I am afraid that I will always be broken; that I will always be in pain. I am afraid that the surgery won't help, or that it will help but I will have to have it again in a few years. I am afraid that the doctor will take my ovary out and I will only have one left. I hate this ovary that seems to cause me pain, but I don't want it to be taken out.
Sparrow asked me today why he doesn't have any brothers. My heart stopped for a moment. I explained that my body couldn't have any more babies and that Hawk and I had prayed about it and decided that Sparrow was our family. But then today I talked to Hawk... and both of us want another baby. And I still have ovaries, so...
Sparrow starts first grade (!!!!!) on Thursday. I will be out of commission for his first day of real school. I am terrified for him. He is brilliant, but he is innocent. He is going to a real school, not a developmental school anymore. There will be kids that are mean and kids that teach him bad things. How do I counteract those things? How do I protect his so innocent heart? I look at him and I can't believe how sweet and innocent he is. He doesn't understand normal kid behavior. The other day a kid called him a name and Sparrow retaliated only because he thought the other kid was playing with him. And when the kids exclude him on purpose, he is so confused and sad. I want to protect his innocence, but I don't know how.
I'm confused lately. I'm starting school on 2 September, and I don't know what I want to major in and I don't know what my classes are (I'm registered but the only class I remember is German 101.) Why am I going to school? I may never be able to hold down a real job, with all the health issues I have. My degree is a dream I have always had... but will it be useless once I get it?
Hawk gave me a blessing tonight. He blessed me that if I follow the directions of my doctors and follow the Word of Wisdom, I will have a body that is clean, clear, and full of light.
That is my dream. I want that body. I want a body that is clear and clean and can function. I want to be able to play with Sparrow without getting tired. I want to spend days cleaning, working, playing. Not lying on the couch and trying to sleep so I can escape from the pain for a few hours. I hate who I have become because of this pain. I hate that Sparrow has learned to play by himself because he knows I will say no if he asks me to play with him. I hate that we have completed almost nothing on my Summer Plans list.
I dream of that body - the one that is pain free, strong, and clean. I will do all I can to receive that body. But in the meantime, this pain is ruining me. It is ruining who I am and who I want to become.
I am not afraid, but I am nervous. My heart is aching for so many things.
I just want Sparrow to be okay, and I want Hawk to be okay, and I want me to be okay. I just want to be okay.
I'm prone to wander, Lord; I feel it. Take my heart - O, take and seal it - seal it for Thy courts above.