So for the next few months, I hope to combat that with daily writing. Not necessarily to be posted here, but I need to do SOMETHING with my words. I need to practice wordcraft again, rather than letting my brain spew out whatever it feels like. As I have grown older, my prose has become almost as ADHD as I am. That's just sad to admit. Some of the things I wrote when I was 18-19-20 are amazing (especially when you consider who it is coming from - a relatively privileged, white girlchild.) Now I eschew beauty for wit. I want to use both.
Right now I am done with school until September. I have an Independent Study course to work on, but I have a year in which to complete that. I have an expensive camera I need to figure out how to use well or else sell and recoup my losses. I have much weight to lose. (Sadly, this post's goals have fallen by the wayside.) So those are the goals for the next few months.
- Write daily
- Finish IS class
- Learn Photoshop
- Lose weight
I'm introspective tonight. I'm thinking about how I wanted to go to medical school, but didn't. I'm thinking about how much I regret that, and how furious I still am for the person that made me think I wasn't intelligent enough to become a doctor. Maybe that was not that person's intent, but they consistently made me doubt my career hopes over the course of 8 months until I finally let myself think that maybe I wasn't smart enough. And now I don't think I can go to medical school. I'm too old, I'm WAY too tired. I would kill myself without the sleep I am required by law to get every night. Seriously, it's a law. If I don't get my sleep, I go on a murderous rampage.
I thought about going into nursing, but it's the sleep issue again. I couldn't handle the 12 hour workdays. I am lame.
So then I start thinking about how I should have stuck with writing, and maybe I could have been published if I had ever edited the 3 novels I've written. But I get a novel out and then I'm DONE. I don't want to edit it. I don't want to look at it anymore. I want it to be gone forever. Really, I just need to work on all of me.
Sometimes, I want to quit me.
I am happy with my life where I am. It is so opposite of what I had imagined for myself, which was a cabin in the woods, where I owned a horse and a dog and a small veterinary clinic, and in addition to saving animals, I also wrote books on the side. My life now is best described as "random." I like it. But I need to learn to merge the old, writerly, ambitious Kris into the older, wiser, more ADHD Kris.
So I guess that is my real goal. For the next few months. I think.