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Malarky and shenanigans.

30 May 2015
It's been an interesting few months.  I finished up with my semester at BYU and actually passed all my classes, despite missing tons of school thanks to my lack of immune system.  I've been out of school for a month now.  Sparrow will be done with first grade next week!  He's done very well this year and constantly impresses his teachers with how smart he is.  His behavior is terrible, but he tries (mostly).  And I am always in awe at his German skills.  He is fantastic at the language and he speaks it all the time.  It's so cool to hear.  I so wish there had been language immersion programs when I was in elementary school!

May has been a hard month for me.  I had some family drama, some serious emotional struggles, and last week I got so sick that I had to go to the hospital.  I'm looking forward to May ending so I can breathe freely again.

Emotional struggles.  Anxiety and depression have been ruling my life with an iron fist lately.  I want to punch it in the face, but I don't want to break my hand.  Some days it's all I can do to shower and get dressed.  Some days I can't bring myself to leave the house - even if I really want to run errands or just sit on the porch and read.

I think that's the worst.  I want to be outside and I want to be making friends and out doing things, but I can't make myself do it.  I get panic attacks.  I think "what if someone sees me and talks to me and everything goes wrong?"  or I think "but people in this neighborhood hate me - I can't be outside - they'll make fun of me or get mad at me or ..."  I know it's irrational.  I know it.  But I can't stop the thoughts.

I haven't been to church in months because the panic attacks are simply not worth it.  I can't separate "this bad thing happened once" from my thoughts, so I can't make myself go.  I am hopeful that when our ward splits I will be able to go to church again, because I miss it a lot.

I can't split "this bad thing happened once" from any of my thoughts.  It's not just church.  I had a family incident a few weeks ago and I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to life before it happened.  I keep trying to talk myself down, but the memory is too fresh and thinking about it makes me sick.  And I mean that literally - I get physically sick to my stomach when I think about what happened.  It's so frustrating.  

In happier news, Hawk has been such a wonderful support to me.  If I was married to me I'd commit some serious homicide.  Hawk takes care of me and puts up with my madness while holding down his job and feeding us and doing all the money things and church things and etc etc.  I would not have made it this semester without him.  In fact, if he hadn't come home last Friday to bring me soup for lunch, I might be dead.  I was so sick, but I didn't think I needed to see the doctor.  Hawk came home and within an hour insisted we go to the ER.  I convinced him to take me to Instacare instead, and they sent me to the ER.  I had strep throat and it was very severe.  I'm better now (thank you, IV antibiotics!) but it was a scary time.

In a few months, Hawk is taking me to England!  I am so excited I can't stand it.  This trip has been my dream for the past ten years, ever since I left England on 2 May 2005.  We'll be visiting Reykjavik Iceland, then to London, Oxford, York and Edinburgh, and then to Paris for 2.5 days.  Sparrow is going to be spending the time with Hawk's parents in North Carolina.  He's going to have a blast, and I am looking forward to spending time alone with my favorite human in my favorite places.

It's been two years since we were able to buy our home.  The neighborhood continues to expand like crazy.  Hawk and I talked about it a few weeks ago and both of us agreed that while we love the people here, we're not crazy about certain aspects of this place.  And we both feel that our house is way too big for us - which is something I was worried about when we bought it, but Hawk insisted that it was the perfect size.  I'm glad he finally sees what I meant!  We'll probably stay here until Sparrow is done with the German program at his school (so through 5th grade) and then we hope to move somewhere that's a little more secluded.  We both love Heber, but who knows what it will be like there in 5 years.  So we'll see what happens.  But it was nice to know that Hawk and I are on the same page and have similar life goals and plans.  I mean, obviously being married we are usually on the same page, but it was great to have it reaffirmed and talk about what we hope to do in life.

So that is my random update.  Things have been hard with anxiety.  I love my husband and don't know what I would do without him.  I'm proud of Sparrow but also not super impressed with his behaviors at school.  I'm not sure what we'll do this summer.  It looms before me and makes me nervous.  But we'll survive.  We always do.

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